I am my own shrink!

2004-04-23
FRIDAY! Hurrah! This week has flown by. Very glad that itís Friday, although a little nervous about my trip on Sunday. I think I might have mentioned that I am going on my first official business trip for my job. Iím very excited and honored that my relationship with my boss has established enough trust to where she feels that she can send little olí me to be her representative, but Iím afraid because I feel like thereís still this silly part of me that feels like Iím kidding myself. That one day theyíre going to wake up and see that Iím really a goofball and I donít know what Iím talking about and Iím an immature failure. Sometimes I feel like a little girl in Mamaís heels, stumbling around in uncertainty. Itís that part of me that still has a hard time believing that Iím really ďgrown upĒ now Ė even though Iím almost 30. Good lord- almost 30. I just still feel like thereís so much I donít know. I guess that I was always afraid of growing up and being responsible. The ďreal worldĒ just seemed so terrifying. And Ė I guess Iím in it, but I still feel like Iím not really Ėyou know? I canít explain it. I donít give myself enough credit.

The thing that Iím most nervous about is not fitting in the plane seat Ė even though Iíve flown before and Iím pretty sure that Iíve flown at this weight Ė actually maybe not. Maybe I was 10 pounds thinner. I just donít know when that cut off is going to come. When that extra pound is going to put me right over the limit. Very scary.

It should be fun overall though Ė even though Iím supposed to stand up and give a small talk about our organization. Even though Iím not afraid of speaking in front of people, Iím a little scared that Iíll look like I donít know what Iím talking about. I donít know why I have this major ďfraudĒ complex. It seems like Iíve had it all my life for some reason. Iím going to have to think more on this. Itís not like Iím a liar or anything Ė I try not to lie at all, in fact. I donít know what that deal is! I do remember that my therapist and I briefly touched on it when I was in therapy for 2 years. Hmmm Ė perhaps itís because for so long I was waiting for outside things to define me instead of who I am on the inside. And those outward situations kept changing over and over again Ė at record speed Ė as life and circumstances do Ė and so my definition of myself kept changing Ė in effect making me feel like a fraud. Iím a happy girl with a great family, now Iím part of a broken home, now Iím a cancer patient, now Iím cured, now Iím this fired-up Christian Jesus freak, now Iím on drugs and partying, now Iím fat, now Iím working for this company, now Iím unemployed, now Iím dating this person and want to marry him, now heís dumped me and I have nothing, etc. etc. etc.

This is really good therapy for me Ė writing this out. I think that Iím onto something.

Well now Ė what am I? Iím married. Iím fat. I own a house and a car and a wiener dog. I know that I do feel more adult-ish Ė but thereís still a part of me that feels like Iím wobbling in those heels. At least Iím not afraid of self-examination.

Well Ė off to do work. I have a lot of things to get accomplished before I leave today. I have to get my boss ready for her trip to Minneapolis and I have to get myself ready for my trip as well.

More laterÖ

9:48 a.m. ::
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