Smoke and Mirrors; Cigarettes and Lies

2004-05-14
Well folks � the truth will find you out in the end.

As it turns out, while on my trip to Dallas, out of frustration and anger and desperation and weakness, I bought a pack of cigarettes the first night I was there at the little shop in the hotel. And YES I purposefully left that out of the diary because I was ashamed and because I knew Chad would be reading. So � yes I deceived him in that way.

The back story � I smoked for five years. Yes �even after I had cancer and went through chemo and radiation. I grew up with a smoker dad and I�ll never forget the first time I ever really smoked a cigarette.

First let me say that a part of me has always wanted to smoke. When my dad would light up at home, I would usually breathe in that first exhale of his � because I loved the smell. I dreamed about smoking and sometimes would think - if only I had a cigarette � even though I�d never officially smoked one.

Then I left church at age 21 and I met Mike and he started smoking. I remember we were at a daiquiri shop and he handed me a cigarette and said � Just smoke it. I was like �I can�t � I had cancer, for God�s sake� The words of my radiation therapist echoed in my mind � . . . and whatever you do, don�t EVER start smoking! And try to stay away from people who do.�

Anyway � so he hands me a cigarette and then he says �Come on � you breathe enough second-hand smoke at home with your Dad as it is. It�s really not that much different.�

So it began.

Thinking back � I can�t even believe I loved and worshiped this guy for five years = he obviously had no concern for me whatsoever.

I didn�t smoke like a chimney, really. The most I ever smoked was five a day �but yet I smoked. Horrific! Terrible!

When I met Chad, he was VERY opposed to the idea of smoking and ME smoking especially since I�d had cancer. He convinced me to stop and it wasn�t that hard to do. I was trying to make him happy and I knew it was good for me.

And yet- there�s still this part of me that says DESTROY! I don�t know why I became self-destructive, but it happened. It�s still there, though it remains quiet for the most part and manifests itself in much less obvious ways � I mean � I know that I am literally eating myself to death � a little more each day. This is the form it has chosen to take now. I didn�t realize it until last night when the shit hit the fan � which I will get into in a minute.

So � I still have the pack � like four left I suppose. Chad has said before that if we�re out and we�re drinking and I feel like bumming a cigarette off of someone, he won�t get upset.

Well � last week � it was Cinquo de Mayo- he was drunk and at home and he asked me if I had been smoking � just out of the blue. So I confessed � that I had bought a pack in Dallas because I was stressed and I still had the pack left but that I wasn�t going to start up again or anything.

I don�t know if he remembered but I wasn�t about to remind him the next day � yet more deception, I know.

Well � I�ve been smoking them secretly � here and there. Not everyday. Just whenever. I�ve had the pack since April 25th � so- it�s not like I�m a nicotine fiend at this point. I�m telling myself this � but I�m still feeling bad. And sneaky.

Then yesterday I went to take my shot at lunch and I while driving back to work � I suddenly thought � hmm, I�d like a little cigarette right about now. So I smoked one.

Well � at about 3:30, Chad tells me he�s coming to pick up the car to take it home so he can try to start his car and get it over to the shop so they can work on it today.

I�m like � sure, fine.

He comes to get the car and I walk outside with him. He leans over to give me a kiss and then stops for a moment.

�Have you been smoking?� he says, angrily.

�Well � yes, but not all the time �I uh, I just had one today . . .�

So he storms off, angrily and says �We�re going to discuss this later�.

So we have this blowout on the phone later where he tells me that I�ve been lying to him and deceiving him and he won�t put up with it . . . Which I felt really bad about, but I thought he was overreacting just a bit.

Of course he kept making these analogies � that deception was deception and how would I like it if he was going out and sleeping with other women and I was like � well that�s not the same � blah blah blah. It went round and round.

We had this whole blow out on the phone while he was driving to my dad�s. I was already there- my brother had come to pick me up.

So at my dad�s, things were cool. He was being super nice and acting normally- but I knew that when we got into the car- it was just going to continue.

I was visibly depressed the entire night. I felt so sick about it. I felt like I had really hurt him and although I hadn�t meant to HURT him, I had meant to be deceptive about it and that too made me sick.

So we left and I started crying and then we talked some more about all of it and he said he had over-reacted, but that he was scared because he loved me so much and he didn�t want anything bad to happen.

And of course all of the self-destructive stuff came out and he was like �perhaps you need to go back to therapy so you can work this out.�

He was really scared to tell me that, but when he said it, I knew it wasn�t a bad idea at all. I don�t know though � we�ll have to see.

But � I had this huge fear about it. I felt like a freak, sitting there crying and saying that I was self-destructive and that I knew I was slowing killing myself with every forkful and that often I just wanted to die and get it over with. He was looking at me with pity and concern and sorrow and I thought � OH GOD! I�m exposed. He�s finally figured out that I�m crazy and that he�s made a horrible mistake and that he needs to get the hell out of here. I mean � I�ve been called �psycho� by more than one guy, you know?

I expressed these fears to him and he said � of course I�m not going to leave you. I love you. I want to take care of you. I want to help you.

That made me feel better � but I still know that things are not right with me. I mean- people want to destroy what they hate. So why do I hate myself? I didn�t think that I did �but � I know that I do.

It�s a very big problem. One that I can�t solve alone, I know.

Today � I feel okay � but I know that I have to deal with this soon. I told Chad that I was sorry for my deception and the pain it caused him and that I don�t want to do that again. Once again � I�ve done something I have to apologize for. It makes me so physically ill.

Well � that is all for now. I�ve written quite a bit.

More later.

10:51 a.m. ::
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