Smoke and Mirrors; Cigarettes and Lies

2004-05-14
Well folks the truth will find you out in the end.

As it turns out, while on my trip to Dallas, out of frustration and anger and desperation and weakness, I bought a pack of cigarettes the first night I was there at the little shop in the hotel. And YES I purposefully left that out of the diary because I was ashamed and because I knew Chad would be reading. So yes I deceived him in that way.

The back story I smoked for five years. Yes even after I had cancer and went through chemo and radiation. I grew up with a smoker dad and Ill never forget the first time I ever really smoked a cigarette.

First let me say that a part of me has always wanted to smoke. When my dad would light up at home, I would usually breathe in that first exhale of his because I loved the smell. I dreamed about smoking and sometimes would think - if only I had a cigarette even though Id never officially smoked one.

Then I left church at age 21 and I met Mike and he started smoking. I remember we were at a daiquiri shop and he handed me a cigarette and said Just smoke it. I was like I cant I had cancer, for Gods sake The words of my radiation therapist echoed in my mind . . . and whatever you do, dont EVER start smoking! And try to stay away from people who do.

Anyway so he hands me a cigarette and then he says Come on you breathe enough second-hand smoke at home with your Dad as it is. Its really not that much different.

So it began.

Thinking back I cant even believe I loved and worshiped this guy for five years = he obviously had no concern for me whatsoever.

I didnt smoke like a chimney, really. The most I ever smoked was five a day but yet I smoked. Horrific! Terrible!

When I met Chad, he was VERY opposed to the idea of smoking and ME smoking especially since Id had cancer. He convinced me to stop and it wasnt that hard to do. I was trying to make him happy and I knew it was good for me.

And yet- theres still this part of me that says DESTROY! I dont know why I became self-destructive, but it happened. Its still there, though it remains quiet for the most part and manifests itself in much less obvious ways I mean I know that I am literally eating myself to death a little more each day. This is the form it has chosen to take now. I didnt realize it until last night when the shit hit the fan which I will get into in a minute.

So I still have the pack like four left I suppose. Chad has said before that if were out and were drinking and I feel like bumming a cigarette off of someone, he wont get upset.

Well last week it was Cinquo de Mayo- he was drunk and at home and he asked me if I had been smoking just out of the blue. So I confessed that I had bought a pack in Dallas because I was stressed and I still had the pack left but that I wasnt going to start up again or anything.

I dont know if he remembered but I wasnt about to remind him the next day yet more deception, I know.

Well Ive been smoking them secretly here and there. Not everyday. Just whenever. Ive had the pack since April 25th so- its not like Im a nicotine fiend at this point. Im telling myself this but Im still feeling bad. And sneaky.

Then yesterday I went to take my shot at lunch and I while driving back to work I suddenly thought hmm, Id like a little cigarette right about now. So I smoked one.

Well at about 3:30, Chad tells me hes coming to pick up the car to take it home so he can try to start his car and get it over to the shop so they can work on it today.

Im like sure, fine.

He comes to get the car and I walk outside with him. He leans over to give me a kiss and then stops for a moment.

Have you been smoking? he says, angrily.

Well yes, but not all the time I uh, I just had one today . . .

So he storms off, angrily and says Were going to discuss this later.

So we have this blowout on the phone later where he tells me that Ive been lying to him and deceiving him and he wont put up with it . . . Which I felt really bad about, but I thought he was overreacting just a bit.

Of course he kept making these analogies that deception was deception and how would I like it if he was going out and sleeping with other women and I was like well thats not the same blah blah blah. It went round and round.

We had this whole blow out on the phone while he was driving to my dads. I was already there- my brother had come to pick me up.

So at my dads, things were cool. He was being super nice and acting normally- but I knew that when we got into the car- it was just going to continue.

I was visibly depressed the entire night. I felt so sick about it. I felt like I had really hurt him and although I hadnt meant to HURT him, I had meant to be deceptive about it and that too made me sick.

So we left and I started crying and then we talked some more about all of it and he said he had over-reacted, but that he was scared because he loved me so much and he didnt want anything bad to happen.

And of course all of the self-destructive stuff came out and he was like perhaps you need to go back to therapy so you can work this out.

He was really scared to tell me that, but when he said it, I knew it wasnt a bad idea at all. I dont know though well have to see.

But I had this huge fear about it. I felt like a freak, sitting there crying and saying that I was self-destructive and that I knew I was slowing killing myself with every forkful and that often I just wanted to die and get it over with. He was looking at me with pity and concern and sorrow and I thought OH GOD! Im exposed. Hes finally figured out that Im crazy and that hes made a horrible mistake and that he needs to get the hell out of here. I mean Ive been called psycho by more than one guy, you know?

I expressed these fears to him and he said of course Im not going to leave you. I love you. I want to take care of you. I want to help you.

That made me feel better but I still know that things are not right with me. I mean- people want to destroy what they hate. So why do I hate myself? I didnt think that I did but I know that I do.

Its a very big problem. One that I cant solve alone, I know.

Today I feel okay but I know that I have to deal with this soon. I told Chad that I was sorry for my deception and the pain it caused him and that I dont want to do that again. Once again Ive done something I have to apologize for. It makes me so physically ill.

Well that is all for now. Ive written quite a bit.

More later.

10:51 a.m. ::
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