Whining but not Dining

2004-06-07
Iím a little irritated at the moment.

The tough days are coming on, I can feel them. I knew that it would be hard, but itís been so blessedly easy up until now. 22 days, itís been. Canít believe that! Canít believe Iíve made it.

I donít know Ė itís not that I want to give up or turn back or anything like that. I still have momentum Ė but Iím tired today. I was hungry at 10:00 this morning and I was angry for it. I think Iím just feeling sorry for myself or something. I donít know. It always happens this way. Itís a cycle of control and recklessness. Discipline and rebellion. Success and defeat. And I MUST break this cycle. I MUST!!!!

First I feel in control. Iím eating right. Iím exercising. Iím working toward a goal. Then I feel restricted and confined. I feel out of control Ė the restrictions are controlling me and then suddenly itís ďIíll show themĒ (the restrictions, that isÖ)

I havenít done this. But the thoughts are there. I donít like them. I donít even want to have the thoughts- and I guess thatís just bullshit. Then again Ė to put it in a different perspective Ė itís not like Iím with Chad but Iím always having thoughts of being with other men or leaving. See- in that case Ė thoughts are bad.

I donít know what to think about these thoughts. Perhaps I should think of them in that way Ė in terms of a relationship.

My body and I have a relationship. We are in ďa marriageĒ of sorts. And when I over-eat and binge and stop eating veggies and fruits and give in to every little tummy-whim that comes up, I destroy it just a bit more. And some day, if I donít get healthy, then my body will fail. I will get diabetes. I will relapse some form of cancer. I will die. And the two of us, will cease to exist. My spirit will be somewhere, but my chances on earth will be dead.

THen the fucking FAT BRAT says "oh well . . . you're going to die anyway."

So - to remind myself.

I am doing this because:

#1. I've felt like shit for five years and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of looking bad. I'm tired of waiting for airplanes to kick me off and chairs to collapse. I'm sick of the fear and the anxiety. I'm sick of all of it!

#2. I want to have children. I cannot allow myself to get pregnant at this weight. I cannot risk my own life and the life of my unborn child. It would not be fair.

#3. Because I just want to love myself. And stop trying to destroy myself. And I can't destroy myself and take care of myself at the same time. It's either one or the other. I have already made my choice. There is no turning back.

I do feel a bit better. I'm worried about Wednesday, though. I'm meeting my friends for our monthly dinner and a movie get-together. It consists of my friends from my old job. We all have an incredible bond. Anyway - we're going to Las Palmas. I'm worried that I will fail. I'm worried that I'm not ready for the Mexican restaurant atmosphere. The chips on the table. The piles of food. I'm wondering what I will order. Am I becoming obsessed? Am I losing my mind? Am I developing an eating disorder?

I'm scared right now.

Perhaps I still need an outside person to watch over me in this - like a dietician or a counselor.

Ah- here we go again. Ginger doesn't trust herself. Ginger doesn't think she can do it without somebody to hold her chubby hand.

This is a lot to think about.

You know, yesterday, I was watching this show on Discover Health, which for some reason, I seem to get sucked into on the weekends- watching show after show about surgery and weird syndromes and whatnot.

Anyway - it was a different show, called Reunion, i think. It was about people in broken relationships and then one wants to reunite and work things out and so a therapist intervenes. It was really interesting. Anyway - there was a lesbian couple. One girl was very young and was raised a Christian and her family was extremely anti-gay. The other girl was much older and very confident in her gayness, etc.

Anyway - so the younger one leaves behind her family and everything and they have this three year relationship. Then the older woman cheats on her and - anyway - it was a big mess. But the younger girl wanted to see her former lover to just get things cleared up, etc.

So they meet and I tell you, I just cried and cried when the younger girl was talking because I could so relate to her. She reminded me so much of myself, minus the lesbianism, of course. But she was so afraid and worried and didn't really know who she was and she had left her whole family for this other woman who had cheated on her. (which is kinda what I did when I was 21 and started dating this guy and left the church and dissapointed everyone in my family and everyone who knew me then).

And so the older former lover apologized and they were hugging and crying and the younger girl said she forgived her and that she had made mistakes too, etc.

And then the therapist says to the older woman, what do you want to say to her right now? What do you want her to know?

And she said "I want her to know and believe that she is special enough and worth enough to make her own decisions and to do what's right for herself."

I was crying buckets at this point. I know it's corny, but it was like she was talking to me.

So I'm trying to take that to heart, I suppose.

I never thought that it wouldn't be difficult. I knew it would be hard. But then it was so easy for the first few weeks. And now it's getting hard. And it's almost like i was spoiled.

Or maybe it isn't that hard and I'm just being silly.

I'm just trying to work through it, is all.

Well - I feel much better, now.

Oh - I know another reason I'm kinda mad. Because I just talked to my sister and she's doing this diet on the web and she's lost like 14 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. And I'm feeling sick about only losing 8, even though I know that this diet she's on is most likely not something she can keep up forever and how I'm learning about nutrition and health and tons of lessons that will always be with me and I'm not just blindly following some stupid fad diet plan.

Anyway - so I guess that explains a lot of my snitziness.

Not to mention, the scale said that I had gained two pounds this morning. Although I don't believe it. I don't buy it at all. I don't care what it says.

Now I'm scared again.

I'm scared I won't lose more weight. I'm scared that my metabolism is ruined and that I'll work and work and I'll only lose 10 pounds over the next 7 months. And then I'll go to the doctor and tell them what I've been doing and they'll say, well you should have lost a LOT more weight than 20 pounds. Something is wrong with you. Something is terribly wrong.

Hmmm ... Well - just had a thought that maybe I should focus on what I'm NOT afraid of.

I'm not afraid of gaining it back once I've lost it.

I'm not afraid of living this way for the rest of my life.

That's pretty good.

Okay - I'm going to stop whining and get back to work.

1:03 p.m. ::
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