The Girl in the Picture and other events

2004-06-18
Well – sorry I didn’t write yesterday. I was super busy. I ended up going to the mall on my lunchbreak yesterday – thus – I didn’t write. AND I was busy, too.

So, let’s see. Where did I leave off?

Wednesday night Chad and I went to Granny’s for dinner and time with my great aunt and uncle – which turned out to be not too terrible. Once again, all food tests were passed- although I feel like I ate a little too much – even if it was just veggies. There is a limit on all things, you know?

I was a little discouraged by the time I drove home. I had spoken with my cousin about weight loss (who is, herself, morbidly obese) and told her that one of my reasons for wanting to lose weight was to have a baby. Well – she went on and on about how I didn’t need to worry about that because she was huge with all three of her kids and they came out perfectly and the doctors kept saying both she and the baby were going to die, but she knew it was a lie and blah blah. For some reason, it depressed me.

Then later on we took out some pictures and were looking through them. I saw some of me from just a few years ago – looking fat and awful. Then I realized that in those pictures, I actually weighed less than I do right now. This flood of sadness and shame washed over me. I just kept thinking – Ugh – I’ve got SUCH a long way to go. I was looking at the girl in the picture and wishing that I could reach back in time and shake her and tell her to wake up and get with the program. Once again – there is no unscrambling eggs, I know. I don’t know - I just got really sad. And then on the drive home I was so sorrowful. Not crying sorrowful – just full of some sort of angst and sadness – which followed me like a cloud, into the house and into bed with Chad where we discussed it. He said that I was being ridiculous and that there was nothing I could do about the girl in the past but that I WAS doing something about the girl in the future, so why should I be sad? He hates crying over spilled milk. He thinks it’s absurd. The man is always in drive – rarely in reverse. Anyway – so I felt better after we had talked.

Yesterday was pretty good. Dr. P was out all day at meetings and I finished up some things around here and went to the mall with my office mate for lunch. Actually, after looking at the nutritional values at the place I thought would be a great healthy choice, I realized there was nothing I could order and feel good about (La Madeleine) – so I heated up a Lean Cuisine and hurriedly ate that before we left. I decided to get the Strawberries Romanoff for dessert and that would do it. Not too shabby – and glad I came up with a plan.

I ended up buying the cutest flip flops on sale at Penneys – the soles are covered with newsprint – they are so cute. I love anything with a lot of words on it. Clothes, paintings, etc.

Ah and the big news of yesterday – Chad’s boss was fired!!! So – a good thing, I suppose, but this puts a lot more weight on Chad’s shoulders at work. I hope that he can handle the pressure and have been saying little prayers all day.

Yesterday afternoon, my aunt called me (my mom’s twin) and invited us over for dinner because another one of my aunt’s and her husband and kids were there and they wanted to see us. So we went. It was a great time, although dinner consisted of stuffed porkchops. They were HUGE and stuffed with ground beef and pork. So it was meat stuffed with even more meat. I decided to have one – even though I had the choice of a plain porkchop. This frightened me a little. I ate that porkchop like a beast. It was shameful – but so delicious. I shouldn’t have eaten it so fast. Not a good sign. Ah well – I did better with my side dish choices – one corn cobbette, a tablespoon of baked beans –that is all. No bread or other sides. I also had cantaloupe for dessert. I still felt like a stuffed pig afterwards. So of course- this only led to mental torture.

Once again, I was awash in sorrow on the drive home. And once again Chad and I had a good long pep talk. He brought out some great points, my little genius man. He said that I was probably having flashbacks to how I used to behave in the same situation at my Aunt’s house – as far as eating goes. He said that it was going to take awhile to adjust myself when returning to my old “eating grounds” so to speak – but that by making the conservative side dish choices, I had really made progress, even though I did go buck wild with the pork chop. Then he told me that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel guilty about the pork chop because it was delicious and well-prepared and that if I would have eaten that dried up plain chop, I would’ve only felt sorry for myself – which might have lead to a major downfall later. Once again I was reminded that too much regiment only leads to a fall. Great advice, my darling!!! I felt much better after our talk. That’s what I love about our relationship. For some reason, whenever I’m weak and I need him, he always comes through and vice versa for him. Too cool!

Anyway – so onward and upward!!! Today has been quite productive! I’ve been a busy bee all morning – setting up meetings and putting out fires and the like. And only a few more hours before the weekend officially begins.

Tonight Chad is going to dinner with his friend so I’ll need to find something to do with myself. I really need to go shop for my sister’s birthday gift. The party is Tuesday night. I’ll have to brainstorm.

More later.

2:03 p.m. ::
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