Ranting

2004-10-01
So – to continue with the weekend.
All in all – relatively good. Had a nice visit with the mom. Was nervous about it – but in the end it worked out well.
The day before I got a little depressed, though. Was thinking that as much as I enjoy seeing her and visiting, there’s a part of me that has to guard itself because I know I will have to say goodbye again and that’s painful no matter how you slice it. I don’t know – it’s just weird. I guess because things went from us talking everyday about everything and then the move and then suddenly she’s telling me she has her kitchen decorated with roosters and I’m like – “Really? Wow? How long?” and she’s all “Oh for a few years now. . .”
It’s depressing. When we used to practically know what each other had for a meal everyday and now the kitchen décor is a mystery? This problem really comes up when I’m gift shopping (which is when I got depressed). I’m thinking – “ok-what would she like? Hmmm …. What’s she really into these days? Hmmm –“ No clue. And I feel like I just don’t know her anymore.
So this depression eventually culminated into me bursting into tears on Saturday morning before Chad left to go to the game and then I was jerked into reality by thoughts of Rachael and how her mother is dead and how she had to say good bye forever and not just after some weekend visit. This made me feel both better and worse. It’s one of those mixed bag situations. I was also feeling bad about my own wedding and feeling like it was obligatory for all those there and how probably no one really wanted to be there – even Chad who had said that he “just wasn’t that excited about it because he had been through all of it before and he felt that the marriage was SO much more important than the wedding itself and that so much emphasis is placed on weddings nowadays that it’s sickening and that it’s all a big commercialized deal and blah blah” – which is nice and very well-meaning I suppose, but not to a woman who is still filled with little-girl dreams. Ok – yes weddings are commercialized and whatnot – but that doesn’t mean that it still can’t be special and beautiful AND that you can’t also have a great marriage afterward. You CAN have both! I firmly believe that.
Anyway – so . . . I was bawling and then thought of Rachael again and how hard she worked on my wedding for months and how it was not “obligatory” to her and then I felt both better and worse – again.
Thanks Rachael.
Seriously – that was not sarcastic.
So – the weekend was lovely.
Today I am filled with feelings of sickness and worry – about a friend of mine here , who I won’t name – having her own personal crises. There’s a part of me that sees so much of myself in her and wants to just “reprogram” her to not make the same mistakes that I made. But I know that’s impossible. I just grimace to see such things happen to women. In fact – this reminds me that I need to do something with my life that will help other women. YES! I do. All women.
As I have said before – I really think it all boils down to self-hatred. That if you are allowing things to happen in your life that you KNOW are destructive – then there is some part of you that is filled with self-hatred. You can’t truly love yourself (and I’m not talking about being “selfish, self-centered or self-engrossed”) and then do self-destructive things at the same time.
“Oh I love this shirt I have on. So, I’m going to take a magic marker and write all over it and THEN I’m going to take a pair of scissors to it and slice it to shreds.” – Yeah makes sense.
AND I KNOW that I have no more mastered this than anyone. Well – I take that back. I have changed a lot. I have changed because of God’s power and because of the work that I’ve done mentally.
I don’t know. I need to get off of my soapbox.
Anyway – need to go now.
Will write more later.
12:29 p.m. ::
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