Remembering Hell

2004-10-01
I compiled these a while ago - but forgot that I needed to share them.
These are a list of rules that I can remember from my previous job. I know that I've mentioned several times that i worked in a hellhole (a very nicely decorated one, but a hellhole nonetheless) and here is some proof:
Here are a few of his rules:

1. All staples should be made at a 45 degree angle. If anything is turned into his office with a staple in any other form, it will be returned to the person and asked to be restapled.

2. Only large shiny silver paperclips will be used in the office. The use of any colored paper clip is not permitted because it is (in his “humble” opinion) tacky. (Small shiny silver paperclips are permitted sometimes, but only if there are less than 5 pages in a set of papers.)

3. Binder clips of any size are strictly forbidden. He hates binder clips. No one knows why.

4. Always say please, thank you and I’m sorry. If you have been reprimanded, say “I’m sorry” even if it’s not your fault. Even if you are innocent, your name has been involved in some sort of a problem– thus, you should feel some regret.

5. When you walk down the hall, please pick up your feet. Do not trudge or slide your feet. Doing so gives you the appearance (and sound) of a herd of buffaloes (we got an email to this effect once- am NOT kidding.)

6. Eating at the desk is strictly forbidden. Also – food papers, food particles, soda cans and drink receptacles are NOT to be disposed of at your desk trash can, but in the designated can in the kitchen (under the sink).

7. Please smile and say hello to your coworkers whenever possible. If you don’t, you will be labeled a snob.

8. Loud talking – especially over the cubicles, is NOT permitted. Keep your voice at a low even decibel.

9. The use of blue ink is strictly prohibited, because in his humble opinion it is “queer”. Use only black or red ink. Use red ink only for corrections.

10. When you turn in corrections, place the sheet with red marks directly above the corrected sheet for his viewing. Do NOT do this in reverse order or there will be trouble.

11. You must account for every moment of your day in the daily log- which is due at 5:00 pm at the end of the day.

12. Radios and music are STRICTLY prohibited, for listening to music at one’s desk is an enjoyment which takes away from actual work (he equated listening to music at one’s desk as literal theft from him). However, you may, if you so wish, listen to the hold music, which consists of American Marches by such great composers as John Phillips Sousa and could possible stir you to work harder.

13. If you have three items in a sentence (such as jim, joe and jeff) NEVER place a comma before the article. To do so is treacherous.

14. Misspelled words are an abomination. You must write detailed explanations and apologies each time you make a mistake. (You think I’m kidding, but I’m not.)

15. Periodically, there will be an unannounced test that the entire office staff must take. On this test, you will be asked to name all of the executive staff as well as their titles, and the EXACT titles of several of the periodicals we publish. Failure is NOT a good sign. It says that you don’t care about the organization. It says that you are not aware of your environment and thus, are not a team player.

16. Oh – and the use of the word team player is only permitted to his liking. At other times, he uses the quote “everyone’s work is nobody’s work” – either way – you’re screwed.

17. If you don’t change the toilet paper when it’s getting low (or if you, GOD FORBID, leave the empty cardboard on the roller) an email will be sent to the entire building about the condition of the bathrooms and about the laziness of the staff. Change the toilet paper, FOR GOD’S SAKE!

18. Remember, the boss man is watching how you park from his window in his “lair”. (His corner office is high above the lot). He can tell what kind employee performance you’re going to put in just by the way you park and how you exit the car. So – do so with an upbeat attitude. (He told us this at a meeting once!)

19. Do NOT slouch at your desk. POSTURE is important. If you are caught slouching, it might be put into your performance review (as it was put into mine) as one of your employee flaws.

20. Also, try not to look tired and worn out at the end of the day. He doesn’t like that. It sickens him. This is another thing that could show up in your performance review (again – it showed up in mine).

21. There are 1 million more writing and editing rules that I won’t go into.

8:53 a.m. ::
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