Self Help

November 16, 2004
All of the sudden, I’m awash in waves of depression. Things are tense around the office. Not towards me or anything – but I don’t like to be in the midst of it. Also – my pants feel snug – I suppose its gas. However, I’m feeling like I did last night. And – if I didn’t know any better, I would swear I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath – I was shaking (although my sugar had dropped) and I felt light-headed. I kept taking deep breaths over and over but I felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

Actually, I think I may have been having one last night. So – why am I depressed? Ok – let me break it down.

1. I feel that my eating is out of control again. I feel lost in a sea of indiscretion and excessiveness when it comes to food lately.
2. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks.
3. My body hurts all over.
4. Chad is out of town and I’m worried about him.
5. I have another issue that I won’t list, but I’m irritated about something and it’s causing me to be “mad at the world” and “disillusioned about everything.”
6. My house is a wreck and I feel overwhelmed when I think about cleaning it.
7. I accidentally sent this very important document to the wrong address and although I have tracked it down and it’s been sent back to us, I feel like a big idiot about it.
8. I have my yearly cancer checkup next week and fears are creeping in that things won’t go so well or that I’ll relapse and then say to myself “well NO WONDER I was feeling like crap lately.”
9. I keep having this sharp pain in my chest. I googled “radiation to the heart” to see what I had to “look forward to” (probably a mistake) since I had radiation to my heart nine years ago, and it didn’t look good. Chad thinks I should go to the doctor, but who am I going to go to? The Sample Whore? I’m trying to wait until I see my oncologist next week.
10. I have this feeling that things are going to “blow up in my face” any day now. I can’t pinpoint exactly what “things” these are – but I have an overwhelming sense of dread.
11. I had a nightmare that I cheated on Chad.
12. I’m worried that Chad’s expense checks won’t come and that we’ll be in a bind financially.
13. I’m ashamed that we could be in a bind financially because we make so much money but have so much ridiculous debt.
14. This thought reminds me that, although we need to, we are NOT tithing and not attempting to –and I think we need to. My stomach lurches at that thought.
15. I want to cry.
16. I’m not pregnant – because I took a second test on Sunday – so I have no excuse for feeling so wacky, bloated and for my boobs hurting. Not that I want to be pregnant right now. I just want a reason for why I feel so bad.
17. The most likely reason I feel so bad is because I am SO FAT.
18. Did I mention Chad is out of town?

So – in typical self-shrink fashion, I will address all of these issues in an attempt to heal myself. Answers in italics.

1. I feel that my eating is out of control again. I feel lost in a sea of indiscretion and excessiveness when it comes to food lately. Ok so take control back already! You can do it! Tell you what – tonight, try eating a light all veggie meal. That will make you feel better.

2. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks. Sister I think you know the answer to that one. Do one of two things. Either go this afternoon – OR consider the cleaning that you’re going to do as a workout –which it will be – or take Mr. B for a walk tonight. The weather is nice.

3. My body hurts all over. You’ve been sleeping on a different mattress for the past 2 nights. Could that be the reason?

4. Chad is out of town and I’m worried about him. Give it to God, Ginger. There’s nothing else you can do.

5. I have another issue that I won’t list, but I’m irritated about something and it’s causing me to be “mad at the world” and “disillusioned about everything.”Ok- it could be your imagination. Second of all, toughen up. Don’t take things so seriously and personally. Don’t conspiratize things. Everyone has bad days and no matter how much you like a person, eventually that person will get on your nerves.

6. My house is a wreck and I feel overwhelmed when I think about cleaning it.Ok- start in the kitchen. Then do near the table. Then the living room. Then your room, the computer room and bathroom. Then do the master bedroom about an hour before your bedtime – turn on the TV – shut things down in the front of the house and straighten up and watch TV in there before climbing into bed. Tonight – just work on straightening up. Tomorrow-do light dusting and mop everything. Break this down into 2 days instead of trying to do it tonight and it will be okay.

7. I accidentally sent this very important document to the wrong address and although I have tracked it down and it’s been sent back to us, I feel like a big idiot about it.You won’t feel bad about this an hour from now.

8. I have my yearly cancer checkup next week and fears are creeping in that things won’t go so well or that I’ll relapse and then say to myself “well NO WONDER I was feeling like crap lately.”Feeling this way is normal. If you didn’t worry a little, well . . . you wouldn’t be human. You worry because you have reason to. You worry because you know the statistics. The one thing that you CAN do is pray and ask God for comfort and strength. If you relapse, then you know that you can face treatment AND healing as well as you faced it before. You’re older and wiser now.

9. I keep having this sharp pain in my chest. I googled “radiation to the heart” to see what I had to “look forward to” (probably a mistake) since I had radiation to my heart nine years ago, and it didn’t look good. Chad thinks I should go to the doctor, but who am I going to go to? The Sample Whore? I’m trying to wait until I see my oncologist next week.Wait until then and let him know. Remember that you have been eating foods that cause gassiness – last night being no exception (red BEANS and rice with turkey sausage) and sometimes chest pains can result from gas. If the Dr. thinks it’s something they need to look into then they will. Remember, you’re having a chest xray on Monday – so they’ll be “looking in” on your heart very soon.

10. I have this feeling that things are going to “blow up in my face” any day now. I can’t pinpoint exactly what “things” these are – but I have an overwhelming sense of dread.Even now as you read back over that statement, you don’t feel as much like that anymore. Consider you have nothing specific to worry about – this is anxiety for anxiety’s sake and is ridiculous. Calm down!

11. I had a nightmare that I cheated on Chad. And it was JUST that, a nightmare. Notice you didn’t say “dream.” That’s a good sign.

12. I’m worried that Chad’s expense checks won’t come and that we’ll be in a bind financially.Chad is man enough to make demands on these goons that can’t seem to be organized about getting his money back to him. God will make a way. In just a day or two, you’ll probably be hearing that they gave him a company credit card.

13. I’m ashamed that we could be in a bind financially because we make so much money but have so much ridiculous debt.Consider going to a financial planner at the beginning of next year. Know that getting things in order will be tough, but worth it-for your future. You can do without many little luxuries.

14. This thought reminds me that, although we need to, we are NOT tithing and not attempting to –and I think we need to. My stomach lurches at that thought.Again – keep praying about it. Ask God to put it on Chad’s heart too. God will make a way.

15. I want to cry.But you're not crying. If you “need” to cry, hold it until the car ride home.

16. I’m not pregnant – because I took a second test on Sunday – so I have no excuse for feeling so wacky, bloated and for my boobs hurting. Not that I want to be pregnant right now. I just want a reason for why I feel so bad.Wackiness could be caused by recent bad diet. Bloating – see reason just listed. Boob pain – could be the weather. Jessie’s and Rachael’s were sore too for no reason lately. Be glad that you’re not facing an unplanned pregnancy at this weight and at this time of financial uncertainty.

17. The most likely reason I feel so bad is because I am SO FAT.But you aren’t as fat as you were 6 months ago and you ARE planning to move forward. Things you can be glad about – you bought TURKEY sausage yesterday. You took out cookie dough to eat raw and put it away deciding to eat marshmallows instead (which have much less calories and fat). You made 2 healthy choices in a matter of hours last night. You can and WILL continue to make more healthy choices than unhealthy ones. And for that, your body will reward you with health and weight loss.

18. Did I mention Chad is out of town?Again-God knows your anxieties and your fears concerning this. He is aware and he is able to help you. Go to him.

Hmmmm – not bad, huh. I feel better!

11:55 a.m. ::
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