Obese Navidad

December 27, 2004
Would someone please wake me when I�m thin?

Good grief � what an exorbitant food extravaganza the last few days have been. I can�t even begin to imagine how many calories I�ve consumed. It�s in the hundreds of thousands I assure you.

Much to my chagrin � I�ve packed on an additional four pounds as of yesterday morning � giving me a total of eight gained back from my previous victorious loss. Apparently, all eight pounds are residing in a spare tire area around my stomach and hips. Thus- when I tried to buy jeans (of all things!) yesterday � I could only fit into a size 26!!!!

You heard me right �a 26, people!

Even 20 plus pounds ago � my lower body had never graced such a number before. Naturally, I wasn�t buying pants at that period �but my 24s still fit � if a bit snugly. It�s just the stigma of it all I suppose. I mean, I could button the 24s � I couldn�t breathe, mind you and my face was turning purple � but I could button them. I reasoned with myself for about 10 minutes. I said- I�ll get the bigger size because I�m going to Minnesota and I might have to put on thermals underneath so I would need the room and I mean � I just need to be comfortable and the jeans were on sale for 19.99 and they probably would be falling off in a month so- just get them and be comfortable and wear them for a month and be done with it � I mean � my God, I�ve spent more on an entr�e in my day � so what was 19.99?

I have considered ripping the tags out.

I guess it will make for a better �fat liturgy� in the end �

�Yes, Richard, my top size was a . . . (pause for a sob) 26!. I mean � the plus size section at department stores tops out at 24. I felt like an outcast, Mr. Simmons. AND I was still 20 pounds lighter than I was when I sported the pistachio nightmare!!�

Of course � suddenly a new excuse has occurred � I could be pregnant.

I know I haven�t mentioned it � but Chad and I now officially �trying.� Well, at least, I did my whole song and dance of � Shall I buy the pill this month? And he � seeming a bit too sentimental for some odd reason said �No, not this month.

And that was that.

I would imagine that a need for maternity clothes would come over me quite quickly. Hell, I could wear them now. So perhaps I am 2 weeks in �which on a normal woman would be four months. Perhaps that�s why I can wear an 18 top, but still need a 26 pant.

I seriously doubt it.

In other news � Christmas was wonderful. We had our first �white� Christmas ever. Chad and I were in the kitchen on Christmas morning, fresh from opening our gifts- the highlight of mine was a Skaagen watch with a PINK mother of pearl face and diamonds � fabulous!!!! I opened the door to let Mr. B out and snow was falling! We were both freaking out! It was great.

Anyway � I won�t go into too much more detail about all of it. We leave for Minnesota tomorrow. I�m not going to even hope that I won�t need an extension on the plane. I�m just going to deal with it.

9:18 a.m. ::
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