COPAY WHORE!
So I�ll be honest. I went ahead and did the complete asinine thing of choosing the man based on his ridiculous name. I know, I know. I shouldn�t have � but I couldn�t resist. I�m wondering if I can even say his name in here. Let�s just say it rhymes with BABA and is something that Karen Carpenter repeats (almost sadistically) in �Sing, Sing a Song.�
So my appointment was at 9:15 this morning and I thought- I�ll just go straight there � sleep late, do that whole song and dance. So I did and that part was lovely. I get there and have to fill out my complete life history for these people. The only thing I�m grateful for is that there are NO SCALES in site. Guess that has no bearing on dental health, thank GOD!
I get into the office and meet with Dr. L, and he�s talking a mile a minute. And it�s almost . . . too much. He leaves. Then Sassy Black Dental Assistant comes in and asks me questions and then takes an xray of the tooth. (Don�t you hate that horrific xray process? What IS that thing they stick in your mouth? � It looks like some old-school bizarre cupholder- the kind you can buy at walmart and hang on your car door.) Anyway � NO gigantic lead vest. I�m thinking � �Oh well � my (imaginary/hysterically invented) unborn child has just been fried.� And SBDA didn�t even leave the room! Just clicked the little button and ripped the cupholder out of my mouth.
So then Dr. L comes back in with the tiny xray slide and lays the chair back even further than it already is. Put it this way- my boobs were beginning to defy gravity in amazing new ways. I was actually kinda having to push them down a little with the sides of my arms.
So then he�s telling me that it�s a cavity � but it�s not just any cavity. It may require a root canal (their answer for everything, right) but he�s not sure but he doesn�t want me to be surprised. He hates surprises. Once this girl he was dating threw a surprise party for him and he broke up with her on the spot. She was probably the girl he was going to marry. But after that party � he had to shut it down. So SBDA says, �So I can�t ever throw you a surprise party.� And he says, �Your life would be over, hon� or something like that.
This �cute banter� continues on for at least the next 3 minutes � which is quite a long time when you are trying to keep your boobs from sliding up and smothering you. (Yes � I do have a rack, okay. It comes with the territory of being a Lane Bryant shopper.)
Then she says, �Well what if I surprised you with a bag of jelly beans?�
His answer, �Now that would be a nice surprise!�
I�m really trying hard not to roll my eyes, but at the 190 degree angle I�m at, it�s almost a given. Then I think: �Dentist? Jelly beans?� Supposed to be oil and water, huh?
Anyway so he leans his elbow over onto the reclined chair, right on my hair, and proceeds to tell me that he doesn�t want to surprise me with a root canal on my next visit. Of course, I can�t nod and my right eye is stretched out asian-style cause he�s still on my hair, so I blink twice in acknowledgement.
Then it dawns on me. NEXT VISIT?
He�s a COPAY WHORE!
Great � it�s enough having to deal with Sample Whore but now this. (More about Sample Whore here.)
For those of you who aren�t aware, a Copay Whore is a doctor who likes to break down your single visit into 2 or 3 or even 10 because he knows full-well that every damn time you walk in the door, you�ve got to write a little copay check. Sample Whore used to do this, until I flat refused to come in so I could �get the results of my bloodwork.� I was like �pal, you�d better give me the results over the phone. I�m stoned out of my mind on one of your samples and shouldn�t get behind the wheel.�
Anyway � the �explanation� was that he wants to �build up my system� by putting me on antibiotics and then he wants to see me back on Friday morning. I�m sorry, but how much building up can my system do in 1 � days?
He did sweeten the deal by throwing a codeine based drug prescription in for me.
Hmpf!
Anyway � my tooth still hurts.
