Yet Another Zany Adventure
First of all, you know you�ve started to lose your mind when something absurd happens and all you can think is �Hmmm- now won�t this make a good blog entry?�
So- it goes like this. I decided to wait until today to go pimp myself. Saturday was hectic and since I knew I had today off, I said � eh I�ll wait.
This morning I woke up in a stupor at 9:45. Then I proceeded to keep bumping my estimated time of departure back by 30 minute intervals. Chad left to run some errands and didn�t completely close the door � left a crack. So I�m sitting in the chair and Mr. B runs to the door, noses it open (since Chad left the crack) and bolts out. I had to jump up and run after him and I slammed the door behind me. Little did I know, that Chad had actually locked the door. So � when I turned around, in ALL OF MY NIGHTGOWN GLORY, to go back in � I was LOCKED OUT!
No purse. No phone. No neighbors in sight. NO BRA!
AND it was about 40 degrees out!
Luckily, I had on my little black cardigan and a pair of flipflops. So, in �locked out� fashion, I made that frantic rush to the other door, checked the windows and began a very flustered out-loud conversation with myself that sounded like this:
�Ok- think, THINK. mumblemumble THINK THINK!�
It was like a new reality show.
A 29 year old fat woman in a nightgown. A frisky wiener dog. See what happens when they both get LOCKED OUT of their house! Premiers on Fox, Friday night.
After realizing that I wasn�t getting in, I checked my �supplies.� My car was unlocked thank God � so I rifled through there and came up with my brother�s graduation robe (why in the HELL he left it there, I don�t know) and a brown blazer that I wore about 2 months ago. I also found a bag of far side books that I�d brought to work a few weeks ago.
I checked the storage room. Nothing good in there. I considered flagging down a passing car, but thought better of it. My God � what a clich� this is � was all I could think. I briefly considered putting the graduation robe on over my clothing and walking down the street to the gas station, bumming money off of someone and calling Chad from a payphone. Again � as the vision of a greasy haired, flip-flopped, graduation robe wearing me appeared in my mind�s eye, I thought again.
I debated on breaking the window with my iron dachshund bootscraper. Then I imagined legions of mice flooding in through the broken window in the wee hours of the night. I would just have to wait. Chad would be home at some point
So � I spread out the robe on the carport in a place that the sun was shining on, put on the blazer and sat on the ground with Mr. B on my lap. I began reading one of my books and eventually got a bit drowsy. So I removed the blazer, bunched it up a bit to form a make-shift pillow and stretched out under the carport � Mr. B snuggling next to me. I snoozed off and on and kept thinking �this is as crazy as it gets. This is ridiculous. What in the hell am I doing sleeping on a graduation robe under the carport.
An hour went by.
Two hours were closing in and my sugar was starting to drop. I decided to check the windows again. I hadn�t realized that one of our bedroom windows were unlocked. Thus another frantic out-loud conversation with myself began. �Geez I can�t believe this was open all along. Damnit! Okay now to open it. Get the screen off. How do I get the screen off without destroying it.
After string of profanities and much struggling, I had it open. I thrust myself through and laughed aloud- continuing in that crazy vein. Whew- now on to clean myself up and head out to pimp.
I will continue this later.