I Canít Bear to Try to Put a "Cute Title" on this One

January 23, 2005
I never thought I would say this, but thank GOD for TBS. I know I tend to roll my eyes with all of their ďfunnyĒ crap in every commercial Ėbut I think laughter has saved my afternoon.

I recently burst into tears Ė about 10 minutes ago to be exact, because I just read on article stating that a woman becoming pregnant while overweight (or in my case, obese) was the equivalent of child abuse. It went on to compare women of large size that conceive to the likes of pregnant crack addicts and booze guzzlers.

Anyway, so Iím watching ďParenthoodĒ of all things and Iím laughing out loud. That Steve Martin Ė heís good.

Aghhh Ė I just donít know what to think right now. I know that I had plans and then they changed and now . . .

Iím so confused. Okay great, Iím crying again.

I just canít seem to make this work; this stupid weight loss. And Iím not getting any younger and Chad wants to make it happen ĖFOR ONCE- and I keep thinking Ėyouíre so selfish. Youíre such a selfish bitch. You canít even make the sacrifice to lose weight Ėyou think youíre going to be able to raise a child?

Okay Ė okay. Calm down. Okay Ė let me attempt to be rational.

What if Ė I took the next year? Iím only 29. What if I got back on the pill and took the next year and lost - oh, I donít know Ė 100 pounds? And then weíll start this process over. And then Iíll be healthy and ready.

But what if I donít? What if I canít? What if . . .?

I donít know what to think about all of this. I may already be pregnant as we speak. I mean, would I be a monster if I was pregnant? I mean, I AM an addict. A food addict. I guess I am no better than a crack addict or an alcoholic.

Iím very low right now.

Perhaps I should go and get a pregnancy test; one of those early detection ones. And then as soon as I see that itís negative, Iíll get back on the pill. I suppose I should talk to Chad, although Iím so scared heíll say ďWhatever.Ē And I donít think I can handle hearing that.

The worst part is ĖIím supposed to be going to visit my cousin and his wife today. At the hospital. Because they just had a baby.

Howís that for a nervous-breakdown accelerant?

1:31 p.m. ::
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