Prelude a L’enfant

February 25, 2005
HACK HACK HACK HACK GAG

Five seconds of silence.

HACK HACK HACK HACK GAG

These were the sounds in my bedroom last night, care of Mr. B.

I tried snuggling him. I tried stroking his back when he coughed. I tried to peer in his throat (sadly, he did not appreciate me trying to use my finger as a tongue depressor and immediately went into a fit of coughing). I considered spraying his throat with cloraseptic, but we didn’t have any. I wondered if he’d suck a lozenge – nah he’d probably chew it. Vicks? Visions of greasy little wiener dog chest stains on the leather furniture filled my exhausted mind. (These are the kind of thoughts one thinks when it’s 3:35 am and you’re desperate to help your damn dog.)

I ended up having an intimate conversation with the guy they’ve got answering the emergency line at our local pet hospital. I think his name was Sean.

“Just listen to this Sean.”

I put the phone up to Mr. B’s snout. He blinked in disbelief, yawned and put his head back down on the pillow. No hacking. Not one gag.

Long story short – I ended up having to imitate the sound that B was emitting. I was placed on hold, presumably so Sean could laugh his ass off.

“Ma’am, if he’s not vomited and seems to be breathing okay then I think you could bring him in tomorrow morning.”

“Uh –you mean, this morning, eh, Sean.”

“Oh yeah – “ (laughs)

“But what about my sleep, Sean?” - I whispered, in my delirium.

“Have you considered taking something?”

“I’ve got to get up for work in 2 and a half hours! I’ll never get up if I take something.”

“Do you have something mild? Warm milk?”

At this point, the hacking begins again.

“DID YOU HEAR THAT, SEAN???”

Silence.

“Sean?”

“Oh – um – yeah. Yeah – sounds pretty annoying.”

Great. So he admits it’s annoying.

“Well, Sean, I’m going to hang up now” I say. “Thanks for your advice.”

It was at this point that I realized that, if I become impregnated and eventually give birth, this is what I can expect. Only it will sound more like this:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH WAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

2 second pause for a breath.

WAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Am I ready for this? Is any woman ever ready for this?

I’m thinking – no.

As far as Mr. B goes – since Chad will be home at 1:00 (he’s been in DC all week) I’m going to get him to check his progress and possibly take him to the vet again. Hopefully the pills will start working today.

11:06 a.m. ::
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