My Three Latest Accomplishments

May 18, 2005
The first and probably most important one is that I’m now officially in my SECOND TRIMESTER!!!

WOOHOO!!

I suppose I can now put some of my fears to rest – although I’m thinking that I need to reconsider watching Discovery Health channel. I mean, when they actually have a one-hour show titled “Birth Nightmare” . . . It’s just not the best thing for my mental health I don’t think.

Number 2 –

I finally had a dream about the baby!! It was a girl and she was very, very cute, only she grew quite quickly. In the first part of the dream, I was holding her, walking around and bouncing her softly and then she let out this gigantic fart! It sounded like a bomb! Then suddenly she was a toddler with pigtails and before I knew it she was 15 and I was dragging her out of some 26 year old ex-con’s pickup truck while she screamed “But Mom I love him! We’re going to get married! I’m going to marry him and you can’t stop me!”

She was really pretty – dumb, but pretty. And not fat at all.

Quite interesting to say the least. I was in such a dead sleep that when my alarm went off, I shot up in bed and attempted to blow it out like a candle before realizing “No. Me must hit snooze bar. Me not have candle to blow out.”

Must have been the Tylenol PM. ( I had the worst migraine of my life last night and had to take it to go to sleep.)

Number 3

I, Ginger, actually grossed out my grandparents at their dinner table.

Me!

I did it!

A little backstory:

These are the very people who have caused me to practically vomit into my plate while they discussed impacted bowels, festering skin cancers, bed sores, sebaceous cysts, various forms of diarrhea-related afflictions, maggots and worms in their garden vegetable crops, and all other manner of horrific things that one should not discuss at a dinner table. (Especially when one is eating some of the aforementioned “good” vegetable crops.)

And when other “older” guests are present.

It’s like a pissing contest of afflictions and injuries.

“Well that pus-filled bed sore is a doozy, but did I ever tell you about the time that my bowel was so impacted . . . “

So how did I manage this? How did, I, Ginger, pull this off?

Two words:

Parasitic Twin.

I figured since the medical conversation was going to begin at any minute anyway, I would ask anyone if they’d seen the show on Discovery Health Channel called “Medical Incredible”

They hadn’t seen it.

Well let me just tell you about, said I.

So I told them all about the new treatment of Parkinson’s disease and about the guy who stuttered and they put this thing into his ear and his speech was miraculously perfect.

Then I got to the parasitic twin part. I told them about how if they don’t remove the parasitic twin parts they’ll just keep growing – and how I saw an old photo of a guy from a side show who had 2 hairy legs growing out his abdomen. Kinda like this one:

All of them moaned. My grandfather dropped his fork and said:

“Now that ain’t really table talk.”

It was in that moment that I realized that I had done what no other family member has been able to accomplish. I’d beaten them at their own gross-out game!

Hurrah!

11:42 a.m. ::
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