The Heart of the Matter

June 13, 2005
So we went to the doctor on Friday afternoon for our 16 week check up. There was good news and bad news.

I guess Ill do the old standard good news first.

The baby is doing well. She found the heartbeat (after much squishing of the roo pouch) and the rate is perfect!!! 144 BPM. Hurrah! She said that was perfect.

So for the fonky news . . .

Well, I decided to bring up (again) the fact that I had cancer, which of course included treatment, which also meant that my heart was radiated AND isnt pregnancy pretty hard on a womans heart?

Why yes it is!

Then she asked me what chemo cocktail Id been given so I tell her and then shes all Oh Adriamycin is also very hard on the heart.

So she says she needs me to see the cardiologist this week.

Fun!

I, of course, am giving myself palpitations from the worry. Then Im hearing that sometimes women with heart problems arent even allowed to go into full labor, etc. etc.

And Im feeling guilty again.

Why?

Because I couldnt help having cancer, granted, but I COULD have helped the 5 years of smoking and getting so DAMN FAT!!! Of course you know I used to really have a death wish.

Well, now I have a life wish and it seems like the odds are stacking against me.

Ill be over it in a few I just . . . I just feel like a failure already. I know, I know! Its a pathetic thing to think. Im just so ashamed of how badly Ive taken care of myself. And then I think how in the HELL am I supposed to take care of someone else?

Anyway the rest of the weekend was relatively restful. Finally got my face waxed yesterday and my toes done so I feel like a member of the female species again.

Well thats about all for now.

1:50 p.m. ::
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