The Heart of the Matter
I guess I�ll do the old standard good news first.
The baby is doing well. She found the heartbeat (after much squishing of the roo pouch) and the rate is perfect!!! 144 BPM. Hurrah! She said that was perfect.
So for the fonky news . . .
Well, I decided to bring up (again) the fact that I had cancer, which of course included treatment, which also meant that my heart was radiated � AND isn�t pregnancy pretty hard on a woman�s heart?
Why yes it is!
Then she asked me what chemo cocktail I�d been given � so I tell her and then she�s all �Oh Adriamycin is also very hard on the heart.�
So she says she needs me to see the cardiologist this week.
Fun!
I, of course, am giving myself palpitations from the worry. Then I�m hearing that sometimes women with heart problems aren�t even allowed to go into full labor, etc. etc.
And I�m feeling guilty again.
Why?
Because I couldn�t help having cancer, granted, but I COULD have helped the 5 years of smoking and getting so DAMN FAT!!! Of course � you know I used to really have a death wish.
Well, now I have a �life wish� and it seems like the odds are stacking against me.
I�ll be over it in a few � I just . . . I just feel like a failure already. I know, I know! It�s a pathetic thing to think. I�m just so ashamed of how badly I�ve taken care of myself. And then I think � how in the HELL am I supposed to take care of someone else?
Anyway � the rest of the weekend was relatively restful. Finally got my face waxed yesterday and my toes done �so I feel like a member of the female species again.
Well � that�s about all for now.
