Friday Flashback: Siblings Revenge

July 01, 2005
So – I guess I’ll go ahead and respond to the outcry of my siblings:

Yeah, WE did stupid stuff as kids, but SO DID YOU!!!! What about THAT stuff, eh??

Okay – you want the stupid kid stuff I did? Eh sibs?

I mean, I thought the horrific photos and that story of me going to the wrong class for 2 months was shameful enough.

But, to appease you kids, I’m going to break it down into a list – and call it:

“Things That My Mother is Praying My Child Will Do To Either Embarrass Me or Make My Life a Living Hell” (Special note – ALL of this was achieved before I started school.)

• When I was two, I flushed my musical Winnie the Pooh bear down the toilet – all the while standing over said commode and chanting “Winnie! Winnie!” My mom said she knew something was wrong when she heard the familiar “Winnie the Pooh” toon only all gurgled sounding and distorted. I’d apparently wound it up before flushing. Okay – so I assumed . . . pooh . . .something to be flushed . . . I think it was genius actually.
• When I was three, I found a permanent black marker and traced the outline of my body on my brand new sheets. My mother was not pleased.
• When I was four, for some strange reason, I went into my new room at our new house, pulled down my panties and peed right on the carpet. I wasn’t sleepwalking and I was completely toilet trained. Again – mom – not happy.
• When I was about 2 – or at least around walking age – I got away from my parents and attempted to cross a major highway – giving both of them heart failure.
• At age 2, I screamed the entire way through the Tour of Carlsbad caverns, much to the chagrin of all the others on the tour.
• When I was four, my parents took me to see Superman and during the scene when he was at the North Pole, my mother whispered to me that it was THE North Pole and I SCREAMED: ”WHERE SANTA CLAUS LIVES???” The whole audience erupted in laughter.
• Once when I saw an elderly midget/little person in our local grocery store I ran around screaming “LOOK AT THE LITTLE MAWMAW!!! LOOK AT THE LITTLE MAWMAW!!!”
• When I was around 3 or so, my mother and I were riding in her Ford Pinto from the babysitters to our house (as we did every afternoon) and I matter-of-factly said “Motherfucker” in my little three-year old voice. She almost wrecked the car. When she asked me who taught me to say that, I coyly said “Granny.” It was the babysitter’s nine year old son.
• The babysitter’s nine year old son also taught me to say Stupid N**ger which I also screamed over and over again at top volume one Saturday at our local grocery store – which had quite a multicultural clientele, I might add. My mother – almost dead from the shame.
• Right after we moved into our new house when I was four or so, I wrote my name in GIANT crayon letters in the closet. See – I wasn’t that much of an idiot. I figured if I was going to write my name on the wall – why not the closet wall? (That still doesn’t explain the pissing incident though . . .)
• Also when I was four, I fed Baby Jimbo a chicklet while we were in line at the bank. My mother FREAKED OUT and had him on the counter doing the mouth finger sweep. I got in so much trouble. I just thought he might like a piece of gum.
• I ate Crisco because I thought it was icing – then promptly vomited.
• I also ate a bouillon cube because I thought it was chocolate (DAMN THAT FANCY GOLD FOIL WRAPPER!!!)
• I was often kinda cruel to my parents on purpose (for my own personal laughs). I used to fake having seizures and I would often hide for hours in my frog toybox – my mother frantically looking for me everywhere. I would finally come out when she was reduced to tears.

OMG!!! THIS IS IT!!! I can’t believe I found a photo of it online!

Shall I go on people? I think not. I think this is shame enough. I only shudder to think that my child may be attempting many of these things. No telling what sort of hell Chad put his parents through as a kid.

Ah well – I’m sure it will make for many an interesting story in the future.


8:30 a.m. ::
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