Friday Flashback: In a Pinch
Translation - Have you ever done asinine things or substituted objects that were not meant to function in the way that you made them function in order to get something done?
I suppose we all have.
For this edition of the flashback, I�ve decided to list mine � as embarrassing at that might be � because, what�s more fun that admitting what a jackass I�ve been?
So here goes nothing . . .
I have cut my bangs with a pair of fingernail clippers.
This was recent, actually � on my trip to Austin. I will say that it worked quite well � because you know how modern bangs aren�t supposed to be all perfect and straight-lined across the forehead. I�m serious � it really worked.
I have flossed my teeth with my own hair.
Okay, I know it�s sooooooooooo gross, but if you are desperate, man � it really comes in handy. Sometimes, if a certain sized piece of meat gets lodged in there, it�s REALLY painful.
I have used a variety of �very wrong� items for a maxi pad.
I won�t go into too much detail here, but � Jimbo, if you�re still missing that one sock . . .
I was going to discuss extreme toilet paper substitutions � but I�ve changed my mind.
Be thankful. Be very, very thankful.
I once used nail polish remover for toner.
This was a BIG mistake. I think I was in 7th grade. The Clinique was out and I thought- hey � looks the same, smells similar . . .
I once pretended I was deaf, complete with my own made up sign language, so I wouldn�t have to talk to a guy.
That�s low, I know.
I wore a one piece swimsuit under my clothes to school, instead of a bra and underwear (because they were dirty), on more than one occasion.
At least I had enough sense to wear all black � considering the suit was Hot Salmon or some crazy color like that.
Because we were almost out of milk, I put a concoction of skim milk, water and heavy cream on my cereal.
Okay � I�ll admit that this was two weeks ago. Not very appetizing. Sickeningly thick and sweet. Ughhhh � I shudder remembering it.
Now that I think about, there�s a whole list of �desperate for something sweet� food snafus:
- I heated up Aunt Jemima maple syrup and put it on my ice cream to make a �sundae�. (GAG!)
- I melted down my chocolate easter bunny and took alternating spoonfuls of the chocolate and peanut butter straight from the jar.
- I poured a can of condensed milk on canned peaches trying to have some sort of �peaches and cream� experience. (more like peaches and cream and a diabetic coma)
- I used to lick the ends of large marshmallows, dip them in sprinkles, and eat them. (WEIRD!)
- Chocolate sundae topping disasters include � adding water to hot cocoa mix, making a paste, and attempting to heat; melting chocolate chips mixed with milk; and actually cooking something on the stove that included cocoa, sugar and corn syrup (which would be okay if you didn�t use so damn much corn syrup, jackass!)
NOTE TO SELF: Always keep the Hershey�s syrup in stock! It�s not like it�s expensive!
I tried to �make my own ketchup� using a concoction of what I thought went into ketchup � sugar, tomato paste, tomato sauce, vinegar.
Still gagging.
I used flour for face powder, because I�d just run out.
Okay- so I was pale completed. I will say that flour is not meant for the face. It�s quite grainy in texture.
I also used vanilla extract for perfume once.
Tip: Try the clear kind next time, jackass.
I used toothpaste to adhere posters to my wall when I was about 7 or so. (We were fresh out of thumbtacks.)
Imagine my mother coming into my room and saying: �Why does it smell so minty in here?� Then imagine a Fonz poster sliding down the wall and leaving a trail of white goo behind it.
Okay � I think that�s enough embarrassment for Gingee.
Howz about you?
Tell me your best �in a pinch� stories! Lurkers come out!!!
1�2�3 . . . GO!
