Friday Flashback: In a Pinch

August 05, 2005
Have you ever been “in a pinch?”

Translation - Have you ever done asinine things or substituted objects that were not meant to function in the way that you made them function in order to get something done?

I suppose we all have.

For this edition of the flashback, I’ve decided to list mine – as embarrassing at that might be – because, what’s more fun that admitting what a jackass I’ve been?

So here goes nothing . . .

I have cut my bangs with a pair of fingernail clippers.

This was recent, actually – on my trip to Austin. I will say that it worked quite well – because you know how modern bangs aren’t supposed to be all perfect and straight-lined across the forehead. I’m serious – it really worked.

I have flossed my teeth with my own hair.

Okay, I know it’s sooooooooooo gross, but if you are desperate, man – it really comes in handy. Sometimes, if a certain sized piece of meat gets lodged in there, it’s REALLY painful.

I have used a variety of “very wrong” items for a maxi pad.

I won’t go into too much detail here, but – Jimbo, if you’re still missing that one sock . . .

I was going to discuss extreme toilet paper substitutions – but I’ve changed my mind.

Be thankful. Be very, very thankful.

I once used nail polish remover for toner.

This was a BIG mistake. I think I was in 7th grade. The Clinique was out and I thought- hey – looks the same, smells similar . . .

I once pretended I was deaf, complete with my own made up sign language, so I wouldn’t have to talk to a guy.

That’s low, I know.

I wore a one piece swimsuit under my clothes to school, instead of a bra and underwear (because they were dirty), on more than one occasion.

At least I had enough sense to wear all black – considering the suit was Hot Salmon or some crazy color like that.

Because we were almost out of milk, I put a concoction of skim milk, water and heavy cream on my cereal.

Okay – I’ll admit that this was two weeks ago. Not very appetizing. Sickeningly thick and sweet. Ughhhh – I shudder remembering it.

Now that I think about, there’s a whole list of “desperate for something sweet” food snafus:
- I heated up Aunt Jemima maple syrup and put it on my ice cream to make a “sundae”. (GAG!)
- I melted down my chocolate easter bunny and took alternating spoonfuls of the chocolate and peanut butter straight from the jar.
- I poured a can of condensed milk on canned peaches trying to have some sort of “peaches and cream” experience. (more like peaches and cream and a diabetic coma)
- I used to lick the ends of large marshmallows, dip them in sprinkles, and eat them. (WEIRD!)
- Chocolate sundae topping disasters include – adding water to hot cocoa mix, making a paste, and attempting to heat; melting chocolate chips mixed with milk; and actually cooking something on the stove that included cocoa, sugar and corn syrup (which would be okay if you didn’t use so damn much corn syrup, jackass!)

NOTE TO SELF: Always keep the Hershey’s syrup in stock! It’s not like it’s expensive!

I tried to “make my own ketchup” using a concoction of what I thought went into ketchup – sugar, tomato paste, tomato sauce, vinegar.

Still gagging.

I used flour for face powder, because I’d just run out.

Okay- so I was pale completed. I will say that flour is not meant for the face. It’s quite grainy in texture.

I also used vanilla extract for perfume once.

Tip: Try the clear kind next time, jackass.

I used toothpaste to adhere posters to my wall when I was about 7 or so. (We were fresh out of thumbtacks.)

Imagine my mother coming into my room and saying: “Why does it smell so minty in here?” Then imagine a Fonz poster sliding down the wall and leaving a trail of white goo behind it.

Okay – I think that’s enough embarrassment for Gingee.

Howz about you?

Tell me your best “in a pinch” stories! Lurkers come out!!!

1…2…3 . . . GO!

8:53 a.m. ::
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