Pass the Salt

September 12, 2005
Well between answering about a million calls at the call center and then just trying to actually grocery shop without collapsing – things are still pretty busy.

First of all – let’s talk about THE SWELLING, shall we?

Not pretty. I wish I had pictures to post but . . .

Anyway – my ankles are swelling and my feet as well. (It's because my gigantic stomach is resting on my legs while seated at work - causing the circulation to, well, - not circulate right.) I’ve worn the same damn flip flops every damn day for about 2 months now. To work and everything. And I dare anyone to say anything. They are the best flipflops ever made, might I add. Volatile. About $35 a pair. So comfortable – they ruin your feet for all other shoes.

The one’s that have practically grown onto my feet look like this:

But I digress –

With the onset of the cooler weather, I definitely need some “non flip flop” shoes (although I’ve been known to say you’ll get my Volatiles when you can pry them off of my cold, dead feet).

Well, yesterday I went grocery/shoe shopping with the mother-in-law. An okay trip, or so I thought, until Chad told me later that she pulled him aside for a “private talk” and apparently thinks I’m on the verge of death or something. The fact that I could barely walk, barely stand, that my wedding ring had to be removed within five minutes of putting it on and that I couldn’t even find a shoe to fit me alarmed her to the point of hysteria. Quiet and subdued hysteria, but hysteria nonetheless.

She thinks the culprit is salt.

Yes – plain old NaCl.

Sodium Chloride, the bastard.

Okay – so she did watch me devour a Popeye’s meal in less than 5 minutes for lunch yesterday . . .

But these people have issues with salt. They think its pure, grainy, white evil. When you salt your food in front of them – you can see wary glances being exchanged and looks of veiled disapproval.

I know that I should be all salt-conscious and whatnot – but I really don’t eat that much salt. And for some reason, it just makes me mad. It just makes me want to eat even more salt. It makes me want to put large amounts of various kinds of salts, from gourmet designer ones to plain old table salt, on display throughout my house. In fact – I’m going to have a tee shirt made.

It will look like this.

Anyway – there is nothing in my entire medical history to suggest that I should cut back on salt. I don’t have high blood pressure. I don’t usually swell after salty meals. I, in fact, have an iodine deficiency if you must know.

Maybe I’m swollen because . . .oh . . . I don’t know. . .

I’M EFFING PREGNANT!!!

Anyway – the shoe dilemma still exists.

I don’t want to pay a lot.

I want them to feel like these flip flops – only cute and fall-ish and the most comfortable thing I’ve ever had on.

I also need to find them at Payless – because I don’t know where I can easily snap up size 10 (or maybe even 11 –GASP) shoes in wide widths with such ease.

That’s like the three impossibilities right there. One immediately cancels the other out.

Oh well – I’m debating on hitting a few Paylesses on the way home –but I don’t know if I can handle it.

You know – when every ounce of fluid in my body is the consistency of sea water . . .

4:04 p.m. ::
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