I am my own shrink!

2004-04-23
FRIDAY! Hurrah! This week has flown by. Very glad that it�s Friday, although a little nervous about my trip on Sunday. I think I might have mentioned that I am going on my first official business trip for my job. I�m very excited and honored that my relationship with my boss has established enough trust to where she feels that she can send little ol� me to be her representative, but I�m afraid because I feel like there�s still this silly part of me that feels like I�m kidding myself. That one day they�re going to wake up and see that I�m really a goofball and I don�t know what I�m talking about and I�m an immature failure. Sometimes I feel like a little girl in Mama�s heels, stumbling around in uncertainty. It�s that part of me that still has a hard time believing that I�m really �grown up� now � even though I�m almost 30. Good lord- almost 30. I just still feel like there�s so much I don�t know. I guess that I was always afraid of growing up and being responsible. The �real world� just seemed so terrifying. And � I guess I�m in it, but I still feel like I�m not really �you know? I can�t explain it. I don�t give myself enough credit.

The thing that I�m most nervous about is not fitting in the plane seat � even though I�ve flown before and I�m pretty sure that I�ve flown at this weight � actually maybe not. Maybe I was 10 pounds thinner. I just don�t know when that cut off is going to come. When that extra pound is going to put me right over the limit. Very scary.

It should be fun overall though � even though I�m supposed to stand up and give a small talk about our organization. Even though I�m not afraid of speaking in front of people, I�m a little scared that I�ll look like I don�t know what I�m talking about. I don�t know why I have this major �fraud� complex. It seems like I�ve had it all my life for some reason. I�m going to have to think more on this. It�s not like I�m a liar or anything � I try not to lie at all, in fact. I don�t know what that deal is! I do remember that my therapist and I briefly touched on it when I was in therapy for 2 years. Hmmm � perhaps it�s because for so long I was waiting for outside things to define me instead of who I am on the inside. And those outward situations kept changing over and over again � at record speed � as life and circumstances do � and so my definition of myself kept changing � in effect making me feel like a fraud. I�m a happy girl with a great family, now I�m part of a broken home, now I�m a cancer patient, now I�m cured, now I�m this fired-up Christian Jesus freak, now I�m on drugs and partying, now I�m fat, now I�m working for this company, now I�m unemployed, now I�m dating this person and want to marry him, now he�s dumped me and I have nothing, etc. etc. etc.

This is really good therapy for me � writing this out. I think that I�m onto something.

Well now � what am I? I�m married. I�m fat. I own a house and a car and a wiener dog. I know that I do feel more adult-ish � but there�s still a part of me that feels like I�m wobbling in those heels. At least I�m not afraid of self-examination.

Well � off to do work. I have a lot of things to get accomplished before I leave today. I have to get my boss ready for her trip to Minneapolis and I have to get myself ready for my trip as well.

More later�

9:48 a.m. ::
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