Today is my Sunday

Well - there's a lot to catch up on!

Good lord! This is actually my Sunday night- even though it's Monday. Chad and I called in sick today. Actually - we called in exhausted, but we just called it sick.

So - Friday night, I got home from work, got ready and we went to this pretty sleazy Mexican restaurant called the Fajita Grill - only the food was really pretty good. Not too disappointing. I was still freaking out about the dress.

Actually I had tried it on Friday afternoon with the girdle that I was planning on wearing and it looked HORRIBLE. It looked worse than I could have imagined. So - I started crying and then Chad was like - go tomorrow and try to find something.

Anyway - so went to eat and then to the rehearsal dessert party - which was tres yummy and I, of course, ate too much.

After the party, we went to David's mom and stepdad's place. David is Rachael's best guy friend and has been one of my very good friend for 8 years or so - since I started college. Anyway- so we went to their place- they have a ton of land - and David bought real fireworks (like the big ones they use at Disneyworld and for 4th of July). Only it was raining a little and after 10:00 and everyone was pretty tired. I don't think it was as magical as he hoped it would be, but it was a great gesture.

We finally made it home at 11:00. So tired! AND we had planned to go grocery shopping that night! Thank God we didn't!

Saturday I woke up early and was abuzz with nervous energy. I left the house around 9:00 and met my sister at Target. We bought Rachael's wedding gifts from us and then my Dad called on the cell phone asking if we could also pick up a gift from Granny to Rachael. I was pretty pissed about this. I was like- you can't spring this on me!!!

I hadn't even begun the girdle shopping, so I didn't know what was going to happen. Maybe I would end up going to two malls or something. Who knew?

So I think this pissed her off - Granny that is.

We went to Dillards at the mall and I did find a good girdle. The trying on was hilarious though. Like a really repulsive episode of I Love Lucy. She was helping me take these things off and put them on and there was just flab and hilarity, I was falling all over the place and hopping around as she tried to pull this tiny spandex getup over my legs - we were laughing so hard I thought a salesperson was going to bust in and break it up.

So - with that done, we left and then I went to my Dad's to get my toenails done for the wedding (my stepmom is a manicurist/pedicurist). Granny was still in crisis about her gift, so at that point, I decided that I did have a little time to get it for her -even though the last minute thing was appalling. She HAS done a lot for me, after all - which I'm sure she would be happy to bring up if I refused to do it.

I left her house (she lives down the street from my Dad) and jetted off to Bed Bath and Beyond with $200 in my purse.

Anyway - long story short - I get the gifts - go home, start getting ready, put on the dress- which still looks horrible. I pick up Rachael and her son Ryan, take them to the Carriage House - this old antebellum home-type place that they're getting married in and proceed to whine and freak out about how horrible I look.

But what's worse - the other bridesmaid, Michelle, actually had the entire front of the dress altered because her stomach was showing like mine was. I was thinking - I didn't think we could actually do that! - But apparently we could. I was so pissed.

However- I decided that this was no time to be shallow. I was just going to suck it up (and try to suck it in as best as I could) and go on smiling through the pain.

The wedding was a blast!!! We danced! There was liquor! My southern baptist grandmother didn't have a seizure over it and actually stayed until the end!!! And she was actually smiling towards the end.

We were all very worried about her reaction. She is like - the supreme matriarch of our entire family. She is like the Don Corleone of us all - the Gran Corleone.

My brother, sister and I karaoked to "So Happy Together" (you know - Imagine me and you, I do, I think about you day and night, it's only right . . .)

That was so awesome!!! We all three sound pretty good and it was just so cool being up there and singing to an audience. And we got cheers and claps when we were done! I can see how something like that is addictive.

Oh and my brother brought a date! I was so excited. He's been in a slump ever since he and his girlfriend broke up about three years ago. I just realized who he reminds me of. John Cusack. He's like his character in Say Anything AND in Hi Fidelity. I hope he finds a good woman soon. I really liked this girl a lot but he said he's not sure... and she's moving away for the summer. Who knows? I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

We got in really late again and stayed up even later (wink Chad).

Then we got up bright and early again to go to Chad's family reunion in his home town. It was pretty cool. I was really worried because he said, and I quote, that I was going to see some "very harsh and startling examples of nature's cruelty."

I was worried.

But it was okay.

I got to meet his cousin Jennie and we really hit it off. She's from Mississippi and likes to write and is about to start on a Master's. She's only 21 - but very cool and mature.

Anyway - at some point during the day I decided that I was calling in sick today.

And here I am.

I must talk about the weight situation though.

On Friday, I confessed to Chad my actual weight. He was shocked but he said that he would do whatever he could to help me. I'm in crisis mode here with it. Put it this way - I have to lose 100 pounds - maybe a little more. This is no exaggeration.

Something about telling him made me feel better, I don't know why. It was like this big weight off of my shoulders. Finally - my "big secret" was out. I'm so happy that I can tell him something like this and trust him with it. I love him SO much!

So - in order to "help" me get a move on - he took several candid photos of me without my knowledge at the wedding and one at the reunion. Actually, the one at the reunion I saw him taking, but was still "unprepared." Well - we looked at them today and I was so disgusted. I told him he could print them out and post them all over the house as a reminder that I am in at a critical point. I wasn't really mad about it. I knew he wasn't taking them to be cruel.

So - today we went grocery shopping and I shopped healthy. I decided that today I have to begin doing something about this - and that I have to do it for myself. I told Chad that I'm going to have to give myself permission to love myself and love my body and treat it the way it needs to be treated. I think a lot of this still has to do with my self-destructive side- so I'm going to have to do a lot of "inside" work as well. Hopefully, this diary will help.

Today was good. I made a big step, actually. We brought home two huge plates full of leftover cake from the wedding. I LOVE cake SO much! I love it. We ate a little of it on Sunday night. There was one tiny piece of groom's cake left and a whole plateful of the wedding cake.

This morning . . .

I threw it away.

I knew that I just couldn't handle it being in the house. It was very hard for me- because food has become so important to me. I told Chad it was almost like setting money on fire-because that's how precious food like that has become to me.

It's sick - but . . .

It's the truth. I threw it away though and it's gone. I can't believe I did it.

Well- one day at a time.

Had vegetables tonight for the first time in months. They were so wonderful. I felt like my body was just thanking me.

Well - back to work tomorrow. More later

8:10 p.m. ::
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