January 12, 2005
My little plan of escape didn’t work out for me yesterday afternoon. (Did go home and wash my hair and meet up with Georgi at her apt. We watched Tennenbaums. Good times!) Turns out my old dentist is no longer on my insurance. So I had to go about choosing a new one.

So I’ll be honest. I went ahead and did the complete asinine thing of choosing the man based on his ridiculous name. I know, I know. I shouldn’t have – but I couldn’t resist. I’m wondering if I can even say his name in here. Let’s just say it rhymes with BABA and is something that Karen Carpenter repeats (almost sadistically) in “Sing, Sing a Song.”

So my appointment was at 9:15 this morning and I thought- I’ll just go straight there – sleep late, do that whole song and dance. So I did and that part was lovely. I get there and have to fill out my complete life history for these people. The only thing I’m grateful for is that there are NO SCALES in site. Guess that has no bearing on dental health, thank GOD!

I get into the office and meet with Dr. L, and he’s talking a mile a minute. And it’s almost . . . too much. He leaves. Then Sassy Black Dental Assistant comes in and asks me questions and then takes an xray of the tooth. (Don’t you hate that horrific xray process? What IS that thing they stick in your mouth? – It looks like some old-school bizarre cupholder- the kind you can buy at walmart and hang on your car door.) Anyway – NO gigantic lead vest. I’m thinking – “Oh well – my (imaginary/hysterically invented) unborn child has just been fried.” And SBDA didn’t even leave the room! Just clicked the little button and ripped the cupholder out of my mouth.

So then Dr. L comes back in with the tiny xray slide and lays the chair back even further than it already is. Put it this way- my boobs were beginning to defy gravity in amazing new ways. I was actually kinda having to push them down a little with the sides of my arms.

So then he’s telling me that it’s a cavity – but it’s not just any cavity. It may require a root canal (their answer for everything, right) but he’s not sure but he doesn’t want me to be surprised. He hates surprises. Once this girl he was dating threw a surprise party for him and he broke up with her on the spot. She was probably the girl he was going to marry. But after that party – he had to shut it down. So SBDA says, “So I can’t ever throw you a surprise party.” And he says, “Your life would be over, hon” or something like that.

This “cute banter” continues on for at least the next 3 minutes – which is quite a long time when you are trying to keep your boobs from sliding up and smothering you. (Yes – I do have a rack, okay. It comes with the territory of being a Lane Bryant shopper.)

Then she says, “Well what if I surprised you with a bag of jelly beans?”
His answer, “Now that would be a nice surprise!”

I’m really trying hard not to roll my eyes, but at the 190 degree angle I’m at, it’s almost a given. Then I think: “Dentist? Jelly beans?” Supposed to be oil and water, huh?

Anyway so he leans his elbow over onto the reclined chair, right on my hair, and proceeds to tell me that he doesn’t want to surprise me with a root canal on my next visit. Of course, I can’t nod and my right eye is stretched out asian-style cause he’s still on my hair, so I blink twice in acknowledgement.

Then it dawns on me. NEXT VISIT?


Great – it’s enough having to deal with Sample Whore but now this. (More about Sample Whore here.)

For those of you who aren’t aware, a Copay Whore is a doctor who likes to break down your single visit into 2 or 3 or even 10 because he knows full-well that every damn time you walk in the door, you’ve got to write a little copay check. Sample Whore used to do this, until I flat refused to come in so I could “get the results of my bloodwork.” I was like “pal, you’d better give me the results over the phone. I’m stoned out of my mind on one of your samples and shouldn’t get behind the wheel.”

Anyway – the “explanation” was that he wants to “build up my system” by putting me on antibiotics and then he wants to see me back on Friday morning. I’m sorry, but how much building up can my system do in 1 ½ days?

He did sweeten the deal by throwing a codeine based drug prescription in for me.


Anyway – my tooth still hurts.

2:00 p.m. ::
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