I Can�t Bear to Try to Put a "Cute Title" on this One

January 23, 2005
I never thought I would say this, but thank GOD for TBS. I know I tend to roll my eyes with all of their �funny� crap in every commercial �but I think laughter has saved my afternoon.

I recently burst into tears � about 10 minutes ago to be exact, because I just read on article stating that a woman becoming pregnant while overweight (or in my case, obese) was the equivalent of child abuse. It went on to compare women of large size that conceive to the likes of pregnant crack addicts and booze guzzlers.

Anyway, so I�m watching �Parenthood� of all things and I�m laughing out loud. That Steve Martin � he�s good.

Aghhh � I just don�t know what to think right now. I know that I had plans and then they changed and now . . .

I�m so confused. Okay great, I�m crying again.

I just can�t seem to make this work; this stupid weight loss. And I�m not getting any younger and Chad wants to make it happen �FOR ONCE- and I keep thinking �you�re so selfish. You�re such a selfish bitch. You can�t even make the sacrifice to lose weight �you think you�re going to be able to raise a child?

Okay � okay. Calm down. Okay � let me attempt to be rational.

What if � I took the next year? I�m only 29. What if I got back on the pill and took the next year and lost - oh, I don�t know � 100 pounds? And then we�ll start this process over. And then I�ll be healthy and ready.

But what if I don�t? What if I can�t? What if . . .?

I don�t know what to think about all of this. I may already be pregnant as we speak. I mean, would I be a monster if I was pregnant? I mean, I AM an addict. A food addict. I guess I am no better than a crack addict or an alcoholic.

I�m very low right now.

Perhaps I should go and get a pregnancy test; one of those early detection ones. And then as soon as I see that it�s negative, I�ll get back on the pill. I suppose I should talk to Chad, although I�m so scared he�ll say �Whatever.� And I don�t think I can handle hearing that.

The worst part is �I�m supposed to be going to visit my cousin and his wife today. At the hospital. Because they just had a baby.

How�s that for a nervous-breakdown accelerant?

1:31 p.m. ::
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