February 10, 2005
So – I open my outlook calendar and what do I see at the top but a little box that says “SP” in it. And SP doesn’t stand for Salt & Pepper, mind you.

Any guesses?

It stands for “Start Period.”

Well – as far as I can tell, there are no signs of cramps. No sore boobies. No weeping. No bloating.

Hmmm- funny that this day is here and I’m strangely calm. And even though I have two “early detection” pregnancy tests perched in my bathroom cabinet I’m thinking that I’m going to wait a few days – or maybe even a week. I don’t know why I don’t seem to be in a panic about this anymore.

In other news, Chad is out of town until tomorrow night – upstate New York. That’s another thing – did I mention that he may be gone as much as 47 WEEKS OUT OF THE YEAR!!!! I don’t know what to think about that. The good thing is that our relationship was semi-long distance from the beginning. He lived about 45 minutes away from me. In the first few months, he worked in Baton Rouge, so we saw each other a few times a week and on most weekends – but then he left his job and spent months looking for another one – so we really saw each other ONLY on weekends for a very long time.

I didn’t mind the distance.

In the relationship I’d been in before, we started things by literally having a “smother competition” though we didn’t call it that. I think we got together and made out everyday for the first 63 days of our relationship. (On day 30 I lost my virginity to him.) It was all about numbers. Very OCD. Very co-dependent. Very sick. I remember that we had seen each other every day for 100 days at one point. Anyway – a big numbers game – a big SCORE game- is really more of what it was. And sometimes when you’re keeping score like that, it’s because you know that it’s not going to work – yet you keep looking to the numbers – the days, the years. I think I wrote a poem at one point called “Time is Not a Promise” about the fact that I kept telling myself that because we’d been together for so long – surely that meant that we wouldn’t break up. Then of course, the dissolution of my parent’s 25 year “commitment” really solidified those thoughts.

So when Chad and I got together, I knew that I literally couldn’t smother him, even if I wanted to. This really brought some relief- because I think I was well into the habit of being the psycho smotherer.

So, it worked well – obviously. I think we actually had what you would call a “healthy relationship.” So, of course, we don’t mind doing our own things- being alone or apart. I mean – for a small period of time. I don’t think he’ll ever be gone for more than a week at a time –and he’s supposed to always be home on the weekends – so that’s good.

Of course, if you’re going to throw a CHILD in the mix- then things get interesting. I mean – will I feel as though I’m raising it all alone when he’s gone. Will I grow to resent that? Will it always be this way with this job?

Questions. Questions.

Of course, I haven’t even taken the test yet.

Time will tell. But time won’t promise a damn thing, you can be sure.

12:55 p.m. ::
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