SP
Any guesses?
It stands for �Start Period.�
Well � as far as I can tell, there are no signs of cramps. No sore boobies. No weeping. No bloating.
Hmmm- funny that this day is here and I�m strangely calm. And even though I have two �early detection� pregnancy tests perched in my bathroom cabinet I�m thinking that I�m going to wait a few days � or maybe even a week. I don�t know why I don�t seem to be in a panic about this anymore.
In other news, Chad is out of town until tomorrow night � upstate New York. That�s another thing � did I mention that he may be gone as much as 47 WEEKS OUT OF THE YEAR!!!! I don�t know what to think about that. The good thing is that our relationship was semi-long distance from the beginning. He lived about 45 minutes away from me. In the first few months, he worked in Baton Rouge, so we saw each other a few times a week and on most weekends � but then he left his job and spent months looking for another one � so we really saw each other ONLY on weekends for a very long time.
I didn�t mind the distance.
In the relationship I�d been in before, we started things by literally having a �smother competition� though we didn�t call it that. I think we got together and made out everyday for the first 63 days of our relationship. (On day 30 I lost my virginity to him.) It was all about numbers. Very OCD. Very co-dependent. Very sick. I remember that we had seen each other every day for 100 days at one point. Anyway � a big numbers game � a big SCORE game- is really more of what it was. And sometimes when you�re keeping score like that, it�s because you know that it�s not going to work � yet you keep looking to the numbers � the days, the years. I think I wrote a poem at one point called �Time is Not a Promise� about the fact that I kept telling myself that because we�d been together for so long � surely that meant that we wouldn�t break up. Then of course, the dissolution of my parent�s 25 year �commitment� really solidified those thoughts.
So when Chad and I got together, I knew that I literally couldn�t smother him, even if I wanted to. This really brought some relief- because I think I was well into the habit of being the psycho smotherer.
So, it worked well � obviously. I think we actually had what you would call a �healthy relationship.� So, of course, we don�t mind doing our own things- being alone or apart. I mean � for a small period of time. I don�t think he�ll ever be gone for more than a week at a time �and he�s supposed to always be home on the weekends � so that�s good.
Of course, if you�re going to throw a CHILD in the mix- then things get interesting. I mean � will I feel as though I�m raising it all alone when he�s gone. Will I grow to resent that? Will it always be this way with this job?
Questions. Questions.
Of course, I haven�t even taken the test yet.
Time will tell. But time won�t promise a damn thing, you can be sure.
