Flashback Friday: Last Night

August 19, 2005
Okay � so I�m not flashing back too far � only a few hours to be exact. But it�s an adventure that must be told. Today. Before I forget (or block it out).

Chad got home yesterday afternoon from Memphis. This, of course, meant that we would soon be embarking on Night Two of this fascinating experiment called �sharing the marriage bed.�

Why only night two?

Well � we had last Friday night together � which was okay. And then Saturday I went to New Orleans where I stayed until Monday. He left again on Monday morning for Memphis � so thus � we�d only had the one trial run.

Anyway � the events can best be summed up in the following correspondence:

Dearest Bed Companion and Husband and Father of My Child:

A few observations from last night:

1) Did you know that for the majority of the night, upon each exhale, you make a bizarre, nasally, squealy kind of moan sound that could either be described as a hoot owl getting a hot poker shoved up its ass OR Curley of the Three Stooges sitting on the toilet and attempting to pass a grand piano? I didn�t think you did.

2) Did you also know that, at about 3 am, you felt it necessary to perform some sort of elaborate crotch-scratching ritual that lasted for about 10 minutes and very much disturbed our �Do-not-disturb� mattress? I did take into account that the moon was full. I�m hoping this is a lunar event and not a nightly one.

3) I�m assuming that the long, exasperated sighs every time I change positions are your way of letting me know that you aren�t happy with me being in the bed with you. Please cut that shit out. Every time you do it, I first think that you are catching your first breath after some sleep apnea fit. And then I realize you�re only showing your breathy disapproval. And then I wish that you did have sleep apnea. This is not healthy.

4) The best way to stop a person from snoring (a person, might I add, who is pregnant with your child and whose nasal membranes are swollen because she is pregnant with your child) is NOT to shake the living shit out of them. I promise I�ll go buy that damn throat spray today and some breathe-right strips.

5) I dreamt that I was buying ear plugs for you last night. I also suppose that when the subject of my dreams is the current problem at hand � it�s not a good thing. In any case �ear plugs are not a bad idea. Howz about we get a matching pair?

6) Again � I�m NOT sharing the bed with your laptop. Case (and laptop) closed.

Love,

Your Sleepy Wife

9:08 a.m. ::
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