Flashback Friday: Last Night

August 19, 2005
Okay – so I’m not flashing back too far – only a few hours to be exact. But it’s an adventure that must be told. Today. Before I forget (or block it out).

Chad got home yesterday afternoon from Memphis. This, of course, meant that we would soon be embarking on Night Two of this fascinating experiment called “sharing the marriage bed.”

Why only night two?

Well – we had last Friday night together – which was okay. And then Saturday I went to New Orleans where I stayed until Monday. He left again on Monday morning for Memphis – so thus – we’d only had the one trial run.

Anyway – the events can best be summed up in the following correspondence:

Dearest Bed Companion and Husband and Father of My Child:

A few observations from last night:

1) Did you know that for the majority of the night, upon each exhale, you make a bizarre, nasally, squealy kind of moan sound that could either be described as a hoot owl getting a hot poker shoved up its ass OR Curley of the Three Stooges sitting on the toilet and attempting to pass a grand piano? I didn’t think you did.

2) Did you also know that, at about 3 am, you felt it necessary to perform some sort of elaborate crotch-scratching ritual that lasted for about 10 minutes and very much disturbed our “Do-not-disturb” mattress? I did take into account that the moon was full. I’m hoping this is a lunar event and not a nightly one.

3) I’m assuming that the long, exasperated sighs every time I change positions are your way of letting me know that you aren’t happy with me being in the bed with you. Please cut that shit out. Every time you do it, I first think that you are catching your first breath after some sleep apnea fit. And then I realize you’re only showing your breathy disapproval. And then I wish that you did have sleep apnea. This is not healthy.

4) The best way to stop a person from snoring (a person, might I add, who is pregnant with your child and whose nasal membranes are swollen because she is pregnant with your child) is NOT to shake the living shit out of them. I promise I’ll go buy that damn throat spray today and some breathe-right strips.

5) I dreamt that I was buying ear plugs for you last night. I also suppose that when the subject of my dreams is the current problem at hand – it’s not a good thing. In any case –ear plugs are not a bad idea. Howz about we get a matching pair?

6) Again – I’m NOT sharing the bed with your laptop. Case (and laptop) closed.


Your Sleepy Wife

9:08 a.m. ::
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