Weepy Weekend

2004-06-21
Can’t believe I didn’t write over the weekend, but, considering all the damn problems Diaryland has been having- I couldn’t upload an entry and didn’t feel like dealing with it – which is why I’m typing this into Word first to paste it in later. Can’t be too careful with these precious thoughts. I’ve already been burned once.

So - what to say about Friday?

I don’t think I mentioned that I have been on this quest since last Tuesday to find this Ragu Light Roasted Garlic Primavera Pasta Sauce. Well – Friday night I decided to locate it once and for all. I ended up going to five stores (AND I had gone to 2 the night before) before finally finding it at Super Walmart on Siegen. Go figure. I ended up walking around Walmart for quite some time.

There’s something about Walmart that sucks you in. You know –I thought, I’ll run in, look for the sauce – maybe get a bottle of shampoo. But then, as you begin to push your buggy down the aisles, you become transfixed. Suddenly, thoughts are popping in my head at random –“Hey I wonder what’s new in the toy section?” or “Hmm – I kinda feel like smelling candles” or “Let me browse through this bin of utterly retarded DVDs that are priced at $5 a piece because MAYBE, just maybe they’ll have some really old movie that I love dearly but that no stupid modern Walmart shopper cares about these days.” Alas there was nothing. There must be something subliminal in the music. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my brother. He works there – well, not at that one, but he’s a manager at one in our home town – on his way up the Walmart ladder, so to speak – which is a good thing. He’ll probably be pulling down mega bucks before it’s all over with. That’s one teat that ain’t gonna go dry any time soon.

Anyway – the back story on all of this is that Chad and I have become semi-Walmart snobs in the past year. I mean – we both love a bargain and used to do all of our grocery shopping there, but – we began to feel more and more like cattle pushing grocery carts with every trip. I mean – my god – the people in that place! Thousands. And not the finest clientele, mind you – not that I’m trying to be a people snob – but, you know – people who don’t realize that you don’t block an entire aisle for 12 minutes while trying to corral your five screaming children. So – we began going to Target – where all the yuppies shop. And we don’t care if it’s 3 cents more or whatever. It’s worth it.

So, it’s rare that we go to Walmart – because of our past bad experiences. Well – this trip was rather pleasant. And I tooled around for hours – ended up buying the cutest tee shirt AND four jars of my precious pasta sauce.

While I was browsing the discount CDs, Rachael phoned and went into a fit about her pictures- which she’d gotten back that day. I agreed to come over and we’d complain over them together and have dinner.

So – went to her house for a delish din (a weight watchers recipe that she made) and we had frozen yogurt for dessert and tore the photographer to shreds with our words. I didn’t have too many problems doing this because I was faced with my pistachio debacle on quite a few pages. Ginger the Hutt. Ugh. Oh well – at least I’m on the path to a non-Hutt me.

Got home at 9:30 or so. Chad was there. We talked until late and then went our separate ways.

Saturday was difficult.

I ended up going shopping in the first part of the day – got my sister’s birthday gifts – very very cute dessert plates with fortune cookies on them and some bath stuff that smells awesome. TJ MAXX of course. But – before I went to TJ MAXX I went to Ross Dress for less – which had nothing remotely good. Then as I was walking to Payless, I made the mistake of stopping at PetCo. They were having the animal adoptions. Devastating. Orphan dogs looking up at you with tails wagging, eyes aglow, begging for rescue. A tiny black kitten stuck one little paw out of its cage and beckoned me over. I’m not kidding either. So I walked up to the cage and stuck my finger in. The little baby kittie began to rub his face all over my hand, quite lovingly, and then licked my finger. I, of course, was reduced to tears.

After doing my shopping, I went home and fixed hotdogs for Chad and I. Then we sat around watching TV. It was a boring afternoon. I went to update my food and found that I only had about 400 calories to apply to dinner. It depressed me. I sat on the couch and started to cry. Chad kept asking what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer, because I didn’t know. I mean – part of it was because of the kitten and the dogs and the fact that I was angry about the calories and kept thinking things like – have some ice cream and you’ll feel better. But of course, I couldn’t use THAT as a solution, because it was the very problem!!! I was very frustrated and restless. I thought that maybe something was wrong with me internally. Old hypochodrial thoughts began to surface.

You know – when I was in the greatest shape of my life- circa 1995, I weighed 156 pounds and looked fabulous. I worked out every day. I was tan. At the end of that summer, I was diagnosed with cancer. And yes, a little part of me thought- you did this to yourself. Your diet ruined you!

So – from time to time, little thoughts like this creep in. BUT, I attack them by saying to myself – I am all about nutrition this time! I’m taking a multivitamin! I’m watching all of my nutrient intakes! I’m eating a balanced diet!

Of course- when your mind and spirit are weak – it’s hard to be on the attack. I was so depressed all afternoon. I took a Xanax. I felt a little better. Dinner came –Chad had cooked drunken chicken – and invited Bennett over. I ate rather zealously – then after our dinner, I snuck into the kitchen and ate large spoonfuls of rice right out of the pot – a definite no-no. Then I felt guilty and wanted to cry. I ate more chicken. I gulped back tears. I ate a skinny cow ice cream bar and wanted to die. Then I went to add in my food. Actually – I hadn’t done too bad. BUT - it was the spirit behind it- and I knew this. I slept on it.

I’m beginning to wonder if there’s some sort of “one month blues” that people go through. The vulnerability I was feeling was practically smothering. Waves and waves of sadness were washing over me that day. I think it’s because there’s added stress. Chad is stressed over his work situation which adds to my stress which just ripples outward to everything. That has to be part of it. And-I’ve also realized the truth about eating out- and it’s not good at all. I was searching restaurants the other day, just for kicks, and I began to realize just how limited I am in everything. Especially with fast food. Fresh healthy salads MY ASS! The Jack in the Box salads are like 40 grams of fat on average!!!! I just don’t feel safe even walking into a place like that. Yeah – it has to be that I’ve entered into some phase that everyone goes through at the end of the first month. Perhaps I should find an online support group.

Sunday we went to Chad’s aunt’s for boiled crabs – which I detest. I was going to pick up a subway sandwich or something – but decided against it. I ate the corn and potatoes. I did really well yesterday. I even allowed myself to have a small sliver of the most delicious chocolate cake. I savored each morsel. That night – my momentum began to return. I exercised and felt good again. That’s one thing that I had missed out on last week – doing some kind of aerobics each night- because we were gone every single night except Monday. So hopefully – I can get back into a routine again. I’m doing well today. I feel more mentally stable about everything and am trying to keep the big picture in perspective. It’s a difficult road- but it’s worth it and I believe that with all of my heart.

Well – more later.

2:49 p.m. ::
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