Yet Another Zany Adventure

January 17, 2005
What a day I have had!!!

First of all, you know you’ve started to lose your mind when something absurd happens and all you can think is “Hmmm- now won’t this make a good blog entry?”

So- it goes like this. I decided to wait until today to go pimp myself. Saturday was hectic and since I knew I had today off, I said – eh I’ll wait.

This morning I woke up in a stupor at 9:45. Then I proceeded to keep bumping my estimated time of departure back by 30 minute intervals. Chad left to run some errands and didn’t completely close the door – left a crack. So I’m sitting in the chair and Mr. B runs to the door, noses it open (since Chad left the crack) and bolts out. I had to jump up and run after him and I slammed the door behind me. Little did I know, that Chad had actually locked the door. So – when I turned around, in ALL OF MY NIGHTGOWN GLORY, to go back in – I was LOCKED OUT!

No purse. No phone. No neighbors in sight. NO BRA!

AND it was about 40 degrees out!

Luckily, I had on my little black cardigan and a pair of flipflops. So, in “locked out” fashion, I made that frantic rush to the other door, checked the windows and began a very flustered out-loud conversation with myself that sounded like this:

“Ok- think, THINK. mumblemumble THINK THINK!”

It was like a new reality show.

A 29 year old fat woman in a nightgown. A frisky wiener dog. See what happens when they both get LOCKED OUT of their house! Premiers on Fox, Friday night.

After realizing that I wasn’t getting in, I checked my “supplies.” My car was unlocked thank God – so I rifled through there and came up with my brother’s graduation robe (why in the HELL he left it there, I don’t know) and a brown blazer that I wore about 2 months ago. I also found a bag of far side books that I’d brought to work a few weeks ago.

I checked the storage room. Nothing good in there. I considered flagging down a passing car, but thought better of it. My God – what a cliché this is – was all I could think. I briefly considered putting the graduation robe on over my clothing and walking down the street to the gas station, bumming money off of someone and calling Chad from a payphone. Again – as the vision of a greasy haired, flip-flopped, graduation robe wearing me appeared in my mind’s eye, I thought again.

I debated on breaking the window with my iron dachshund bootscraper. Then I imagined legions of mice flooding in through the broken window in the wee hours of the night. I would just have to wait. Chad would be home at some point

So – I spread out the robe on the carport in a place that the sun was shining on, put on the blazer and sat on the ground with Mr. B on my lap. I began reading one of my books and eventually got a bit drowsy. So I removed the blazer, bunched it up a bit to form a make-shift pillow and stretched out under the carport – Mr. B snuggling next to me. I snoozed off and on and kept thinking –this is as crazy as it gets. This is ridiculous. What in the hell am I doing sleeping on a graduation robe under the carport.

An hour went by.

Two hours were closing in and my sugar was starting to drop. I decided to check the windows again. I hadn’t realized that one of our bedroom windows were unlocked. Thus another frantic out-loud conversation with myself began. “Geez I can’t believe this was open all along. Damnit! Okay now to open it. Get the screen off. How do I get the screen off without destroying it.

After string of profanities and much struggling, I had it open. I thrust myself through and laughed aloud- continuing in that crazy vein. Whew- now on to clean myself up and head out to pimp.

I will continue this later.

5:00 p.m. ::
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