Who Stole My Sharpie?
The missing sharpie led me to the supply closet. There were NO SHARPIES in the supply closet. 3 weeks ago there were THOUSANDS! Now � there are none.
And thus I am plotting people�s deaths.
I swear � if they asked me teach a class on being pregnant, I would choose Pregnant Bitchery 101.
I�ve been doing tons of Lamaze breathing these days � and not in preparation for delivery � but to try and keep myself from a.) screaming and b.) strangling someone.
Of course, it doesn�t help that completely shitty things have been happening on a constant basis.
Shall I go into yesterday�s dentist appointment?
I was angry before even getting in there just remembering the whole �full mouth debridement� scam at my last visit - and I was preparing a small speech (which, sadly, I never got to give.)
Then, while in the waiting room � there was a �Best of Friends� DVD on � only it was stuck on the menu screen. So I heard the beginnings of the Friends theme over and over and OVER again.
At one point, I got up and tried to hit play or do anything to MAKE IT STOP � but the efforts were all in vain.
Finally � I�m called to the back by this size 0 Malibu Barbie assistant in scrubs.
So I waddle down the hall following her � in total pregnant stance � right hand clutching lower back, left arm flailing in the air for support. She looks back and waits for me several times because she�s waaaaaaay ahead of me.
So I sit in the chair and I proceed to pull out the fax from my OB detailing what meds I could take, etc, which I�m sure they never requested (and I was correct).
So I hand it to her and say � �Here�s the note from my obstetrician detailing what meds I can have and all that good stuff.�
And she giggles in her tinkly, Barbie-assed way and says:
�Oh! You�re pregnant?!?�
Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I got totally sarcastic with this bitch �
�Ummmmmmmmm - yeah!�
What I should have said was, �No bitch, I was doing my best impression of Fred Sandford pretending to have a fucking heart attack!�
I was pissed for the rest of the visit.
The whole dental part went shockingly well � but I was too angry to notice.
Anyway � I went home and nested for the afternoon � cleaning out old clothes and whatnot.
And that was my day.
And here I am.
Fuming and sharpie-less.
Waaaaaait a minute �
I just received this postcard.
The reverse reads:
Dear Pregnant Bitch:
Life (and ink) is too short to deal with your rantings any longer. Jaune and I have gone to Paris where she can live the type of free and topless life she�s always dreamed of. She really lights up my life � a lot more than you ever did or could. Don�t try to find us.
Signed,
Sharpie
Isn�t that raspberry beret a little clich�, Sharpie dear? Where did you find it - in a secondhand store?
